Spring cleaning...

Wait...can you hear it? Listen! shhhhhhh...yep...there it is...it is the sound of my house...being cleaned by someone else! YEAH baby!! I cannot WAIT to go home today and see a nice clean house. That I didn't clean. I didn't even come close to cleaning. It's almost like MAGIC. Except for that big wad of cash I had to leave on the kitchen counter that won't be there anymore. But I guess that's magic, too! You leave the money and the cleaning fairies come and take away all of your filth. Well, not all of it. Kevin will still be home. HA! See, honey, that was funny. It's a joke...humor, get it? Didn't think so. Oops. Sorry. LOVE YOU!

Seriously, I have a problem. A cleaning problem. As in I don't do it. Not because I don't want to, mind you (though my husband would probably disagree). There was a time in my life when I channeled the Janet and I would get up on Saturday mornings all motivated and blaring music and cleaning and planning my menu for the week. Then the third bathroom came. Then the fourth. And we got busier. And my shoulder flared up. And kerr-BLAMMO! The mess you see before you that was formerly an organized presentable house.

And I'm very proud of myself. Previously I would clean for the cleaning people. Which at that time was my sister-in-law. And I had high hopes of doing that this weekend. I just didn't want it looking like squatters had moved in to an abandoned home and wrecked up the place. Which is what it looks like now. Seriously. These are strangers, for crap's sake! Strangers can't see my house looking like this! But actually they're worse than strangers. They are strangers I know a little bit. Alex used to go to school with one of their sons. So they know people I know. And can spread the news about the filth that is my house. Especially my bathroom. Because that's the bathroom all the way in the back of the house, that no one uses or sees except me. So I don't clean it as much as the others (again, Kevin would argue I don't clean the others, and he would be right). But today...today I have no shame. I left the damn place in all its squalor and hit the road, jack. And right now the cleaning fairies Deanna and Carla are wondering why my husband stays married to me as they pry oatmeal off my hardwood floors and dust the dead soldiers on the shelf in the foyer. So now I'll be known in Roselawn as 'Rebecca-the-woman-who-doesn't-clean.' Great. And people wonder why I drink.

But this will totally motivate me to do the OTHER things I need to do in my house. Like go through the ever-growing STACK OF CRAP that lingers around and eventually takes over my entire kitchen counter. This would include things like junk mail, graded homework, bills, scout stuff, book order forms, bills, market day order forms, newspapers, newsletters, bills...and as much denial as I like to be in, those bills eventually need to be found and paid. Hmmm...maybe I'll do that tonight in my nice clean house! YEAH, that's the ticket. And then I can clean out my closets, and my wardrobe and ... oh shit...who am I kidding. That shit won't happen. I'm going to try though. I really am. really.