FIRST - there's a new link to check out...for those of you that don't know, I've been working the campaign to get my friend elected to the school board. She's smart, she has experience and we need her there. I've been getting a lot more involved with the school this year, mostly because of what went on with Owen's teacher. The statistics are staggering...Oprah had a two day special on what people are doing to try and change this and gave this site. Check it out, get involved...stay involved. We are 24th in the world behind POLAND for pete's sake in math...and they're practically a 3rd world country...pretty pitiful for a "superpower". STANDUP!
Onto funnier matters...
So one of the things that happened in Pittsburgh was of course, Easter dinner. Dinners in my family are usually pretty funny, the conversation always takes a turn for the worse. Apparently the worst part of the conversation happened before my mom and I even arrived at my aunt's house. I have an uncle. Two of them, actually, on my mother's side. But this is no ordinary uncle...this is one of THOSE uncles. The uncle that's gross and inappropriate and generally embarrassing. We all have them. That certain member of the family we would break through glass to get away from in a public place. THAT guy. His name is Eddie. And he's something else. At my grandparent's 50th wedding anniversary dinner, he sat at the table, in the middle of the restaurant, singing a song about leprosy. Seriously. And the more you ignored him, the louder he got.
"Leprosy! My god it's leprosy...there goes my ear, dear, into my beer dear. Leprosy! My god it's leprosy...there goes my eyeball, into my high ball."
So apparently Eddie walked into my aunt's house and immediately launched into a story that involved him, his friend, his friend's girlfriend, 2 Viagras and 6 condoms. He went into enough detail that he said it went on for 6 hours and he still didn't get off. Ummmmm, ew. ICK. I didn't need to know that. Did you? Did my aunt's friends? Did my 89-year-old GRANDMOTHER? Because she was sitting right next to him on the couch while he told his story. And yeah, he's the oldest and my mother is 62...so GREAT...I now have an image of my late-60-something-uncle, who looks like a tall Charles Manson for crap's sake (not kidding), doing it for hours with some schmuck and his girl. As if the naked slides of his trip to Europe with his Russian girlfriend when I was 10 wasn't enough to haunt me. ew. Did I say EW?
Another humorous story came from my aunt's friend, Daria. Daria and her friend were apparently having a conversation about dildos within earshot of the friend's mother. So the mother asked, "What's a dildo?" They told her it was a dough recipe...and I'm not sure how the rest of it goes, exactly, because I was a little looped on the Riesling...but it ended with the mother in a bakery asking for the "dill dough". You'd think it was an urban legend, but alas, there it was...being told by the person that heard it...again...in front of my grandmother. Who was laughing, but I'm not sure if she heard everything. We later had a conversation about saggy boobs, and she had a lot to say on that subject...quite hilarious.
And lastly...I was in the 7th circle of hell yesterday trying to work on a firewall/vpn installation at a programmer's house who works off-site. In Deerfield....which is north of O'Hare...and I don't know if you guys have seen 294 lately, but it's a fucking disaster. The bright shining moment is that there's a Trader Joe's not minutes away, lucky bastard. So after a disastrous day, I decided to stop for a few items. Hummus, four bags of snacks, bleu cheese stuffed olives, 12 bottles of wine. Yeah, that's right, 12. All for $95. Seriously. $95!!!! BRILLIANT. The guys in the Joe's were nice to me...got me a box to put all my bottles of wine in, helped me pick out a few.
Then I got home, and the middle button of my shirt was unbuttoned. Yeah, the one right over the sisters. Was it like that when I was there? Probably, who knows. Figures. No wonder they were being nice to me.
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4 comments:
Well, that's one for the "I can't believe I did that!" book. Really, Rebecca, the sisters are nice enough that you don't have to show them off MORE! Anyway, it reminds me of the time that Pauline Schafer sat in front of her class with all her buttons unbuttoned except the first and no one told her! And she didn't have anything to show off, but the eighth grade boys loved it!
No wonder you got so much help. Wonder if that would work for a 62 year old - and not the Janet.
Good of Mom Joy to comment! Tell me about it...like I need to advertise for crap's sake. For all I know it happened on the drive home, but it's not like I'm staring down at my own chest to know for sure. Seriously.
Usually, I have a lot to say about any and every topic. But this time, I think I am biased and would taint (yes, I said taint) the blog. I, just might be that Uncle to my nieces and nephews. Although, Doug probably could give me a run for it if he lived in town...
Being the initial receptor/victim of "Uncle Eddie's" diatribe on seasoned citizen Menage' a Trois, I think your assessments fairly good. The real beauty was in the setting and tone of the conversation. Your Grandmother's on the same sofa two feet to his left, I'm directly to his right on a sofa arranged perpendiculary to his, with Rich on my right and Daria is across the living room ten feet away and Carol is wandering in and out of the room as she prepares dinner. With all these people that close I'm the only one hearing this. I'm expecting Rod Serling to appear and give the opening monologue for this weeks episode of the "Twilight Zone". I look at my bourbon and started wandering if Rich took a swing back to the 60's and slipped some musrooms or something in there. Meanwhile Eddie snaps my attention back to him with a few more details of his evening with friends. I look around the room, first at your Grandmother then at Rich Then at Daria, Nobody's catching any of this. How can they not hear this? I start to fear that I'm caught in a time warp with your Uncle and that know one can help me, or maybe I should slow down on the drinking or eat less red meat or something. None of these options were readily available, so I figured I got the "A" ticket, I might as well take the full ride. I gave Eddie my full attention and was able to interject my opinions on his partners (plural) appearance and performance. I was able to offer some hints on ettiquete that I remembered from reading "Penthouse" magazine. I learned that Eddie probably didn't really need me, or anyone else to carry on a conversation. After about twenty or thirty minutes of this, time returned to its normal flow, the planets resituated themselves in their respective orbits and My glass was empty. A lull ensued in our conversation, you know.. one of those usually awkward moments of silence, but not this time. I took the opportunity to get up freshen my drink and remind your Uncle Rich that he owed me big time for the past forty five minutes. You got to enjoy the retelling over cigars and Sambucca, but I assure you seeing it live was a real slice. I still have trouble with the words "Tool" "Magnum" and "Three Way" and I'm a gun nut Electrician, I need these word, I may be scarred for life.
I have to say though it was the probably the best Easter dinner I've had, the food was good the converstaions were a riot and I'll be talkin' bout this one for a long time.
A note on the looks I think the Charles Manson thing is pretty good, but I'd throw in some Frank Zappa and a little bit of that dog from the Muppets, whataya think?
Is Trader Joe's the place where you can get Charles Shaw (Two Buck
Chuck) Wine
You got a pretty cool blog here, Nice work. Sorry for the Rant
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