Alright
I got somethin to say
Yeah it's better to burn out
Than to fade away....
Ah...Def Leppard calling out to me in my moment of need. Burning out, people. Burning.out. I told my girlfriend Michelle that I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's coming. Football is almost over. Soccer ends soon after that. Do you see the light? (read like James Brown in the Blues Brothers!) My house is a disaster. My car is a mess. My calendar looks like a mack truck hit it. But there is a light. And do you know what words of wisdom sweet Michelle gave me? That the light is usually just the light from another tunnel. And you know what? She's right. I want to throw up.
Julie told me I'm too busy. What's new? Julie told me to make a list of everything we're involved in, that it would be a good exercise for me. I'm not sure what that meant.
So here goes...
Alex: Soccer September/October; music lessons all year round 1 night per week.
Owen: Football August, September, October; Baseball May, June; Scouts all year round
Me: Bowling every Thursday - 33 weeks; Church board, 9 meetings per year; school board meetings 1st & 3rd Monday when I can attend; Scouts - 1 pack meeting per month, 1 roundtable meeting per month (sort of);
Family: church on Sunday when we can, usually every other Sunday when Alex is in town; family obligations to birthday parties/holidays
Kevin: Football coach, baseball coach, cubmaster; random obligations to golf outings/fishing trips for work
Is that all of it? Is there stuff I'm forgetting?
The problem really isn't that we're involved. The problem is that I live in Lake Village, I work in Merrillville, I have one child in school in Crown Point with music lessons in Demotte, I have one son in school in Roselawn with football in Morocco; my board meetings are in Morocco and Rensselaer, my rountable meetings are in Wolcott and most scouting events are in Lafayette; my husband works in Highland and sometimes Burr Ridge, Illinois. I have one car, two hands and only so many hours in a day. The problem isn't how involved I am. The problem, dear friends, is that I live in the void of the universe. Just to go to the doctor, dentist, eye doctor...normal things...even if my kids weren't involved in a single fucking thing sucks the life out of me in driving.
Move, you say? Thought of that. Many times. But really, where am I going to work that's convenient and make money? Julie's going through hell right now just trying to get Hayden picked up from daycare and keep both of them working and Hayden has ZERO extracurricular activities.
Anyway, I'm burning out. But what I realize, too is that I've never been this busy with my kids AND this stressed out at work. Work is usually pretty consistent. And when it's bad, there's someone else to share the stress with, brainstorm with, get through things with. I lost that person. It's not that I'm not smart, or don't know my job, or can't do it. I am. I know. I can. But after 5 years of being on a team. 5 years of having that other person, even when they look at you and say "I don't know what to tell you ma'am." And then the lightbulb goes off and you figure out how to fix it. I didn't realize how much I needed that until these last 30 days.
30 days in the hole.
Humble friggin' pie.
Am I burned out of my job? Or do I just need to wait 30 days and re-evaluate? I have dreams of cooking or teaching or something, anything other than this. But is this really so bad? Or am I just in the hole? What are your dreams? What do you want to do when you grow up?
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23 comments:
Sounds like you and Julie need a personal assisant, give me a hollar
Pea, I love you. I can't afford you, but I love you.
I know how you feel about work. Those days are the days I fall into bed, look at my husband and say, I just want to quit my job and work two days a week at Macy's at the perfume counter where all I have to say is "squirt?" as people charge by in a blur.
Where do I sign up for those jobs? Do you think I could make $40-50 thousand a year doing perfume?
Eileen - I am so with you. I used to be a phlebotomist. I miss those days. I ran around the hospital like a crazy person and didn't get paid NEAR enough for what I did (much like now!) - but the stress level? Nada.
The perfume counter sounds perfect! Let's do it.
Oh, yeah. I'm in. But I refuse to work the Paris Hilton fragrance. I have scruples, you know.
By the way, I forgot to mention. Def Leppard...yeah we sang their songs in the garage band I was in during the summer of 1984. Good times.
my domestic rates are reasonable, it's my medical knowledge that will cost a fortune
my domestic rates are reasonable, it's my medical knowledge that will cost a fortune
Rebecca, you can't work the perfume counter...you'd have migraine headaches every day.
Seriously, your post makes me feel very sad. But I really think there is light at the end of the tunnel. Football and soccer will be over soon. Aren't you retiring from scouts next year? Dump the old men meetings...hmmm, what else can I come up with???
In a selfish way, I would love it if you moved closer to me, but I see your point about all the driving regardless. As long as you don't talk about moving out of state...I'll cry. again.
I miss the Scottish too.
Love you.
you have to LOVE this statement:
"I don't know what to tell you ma'am."
YOU JUST HAVE TOO
You know Rap, Carol very well may be right. Since my departure from the workfarce, I have found that my expenses have DECREASED, my sanity has returned, my happiness is very much with my all the time (only bad when Big R is gone) and I have found a whole big world of opportunity...something to think about, unemployment is not a bad thing, you just find ways of making money different ways and you don't need a whole lot, plus, you would be able to be insured thru Kev Head??? you wouldn't have to worry about that...I say storm in there right now and give your 2 2 weeks (Sorry Kathy)
Kathy - you are, of course, right about the perfume counter. Trish sprayed some bug spray this morning in her battle against the box elder bugs, or elder box bugs, or whatever they are...anyway, I almost hurled in my trash can.
So Eileen - maybe we can work in a coffee shop, instead?
Retiring from Scouts next year AND I can only sit on the old man board for one more year. There's a limit. So that's a big chunk out of my schedule gone. Soon Owen will be in private school, too - so then I'll have both kids a little closer to each other. That will be nice.
I'm not going anywhere, sugar.
that's 2 weeks NOT 22
Carol and Pea - believe me - I've thought about it. BELIEVE ME. Kevin and I even put it on paper more than once. Then we bought a Harley. :)
Eileen - I LOVE that your band covered Def Leppard. Why oh why isn't there video footage of this somewhere??? You could be FAMOUS on youtube.com!!
No videos. We didn't even have a BETA player at that time. I had just weaned myself off of 8-tracks!
I'm dealing with similar issues as Lily has been telling both Craig and I that she'd "like to quit pre-school." Then she plays with her doll within earshot of me and says, "DOn't worry honey, I don't have to go to work." Someone puh-leez pull the knife from my heart.
And I only work three days a week.
She's got the whole guilt thing down, but I don't blame her. She wants to be home with mommy. NOthing wrong with that. The problem, however, is that we've gotten used to mommy's part time gig paying for the house and car. Grrrr.
Rebecca - Coffee shop is good. I don't drink it, but I love the smell. Plus, I don't think Paris Hilton has a coffee flavor (yet) that we'd have to boycott.
Done!
Now...how do we bridge the Indiana - Oregon gap?
Hmmmmm, the gap is definitely a problem. Lemme think on it.
OMG - the playing with the doll guilt...killing me. I don't even know how I would respond to such a thing.
Eileen:
1) In 1984 I was 8...Eggo was 5.
2) What the hell is an 8 Track? Ok, I'm kidding.
3) Tell Lily to suck it up.
Pea:
1) Who are you trying to kid, you've neva been sane from what I've heard...
We are all busy but the bottom line is you choose what activites you participate in, nobody forces you.
Finally, what's this crap about Julie "going through hell" to get Hayden picked up. It's no trouble for me. She asked me Monday and I'm doing it Friday. So, where's the hell in that?
Okay, Jimmer. Let me point out that I was a young rockstar, only 15 myself. That's only 7 years (okay, and a bit more between me and Eggo) but you get my point. I'm totally cool and hip even if I have to color over my gray roots each month. Just wait and watch, baby. Just wait and watch.
I'm a little out of that league now, but I can remember those days. Why do you think the five little snotnoses got a car when they turned 16! Ok, a vehicle that moved - some of them weren't the greatest if you drove through the high school parking lots. Couldn't believe some of the really nice cars that were parked there! With 5, there were times I had to say NO. I think they all turned out fine even if I was an activity Nazi. I don't think they felt left out - except maybe Julie - never visited her enough at Ball State - big, boring drive!
But the time passes and you eventually find yourself saying "I wonder what the kids are doing now?" There is light at the end of the tunnel. But what color is it?
Jimmer, you are, once again, correct, sanity has neva been my strong point. I hear that those secret shopping gigs are a scam
I didn't have a car when I turned 16..........
Mom (Joy) You visited me my first and last day of college, but I came to you almost every other weekend.
I have to say Jimmer is right about we choose these activities.
I have thought many of times about quiting this Chicago gig to come back closer to home and not be on a train 3 hours of my day. But I am doing what's best for my family right now. Sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do.
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