Now is the time for the "airing of grievances" against whom that I don't actually know.
Jude Law. Damn you! Damn you Jude Law for making me fall out of love with you for your wretched undertakings with the nanny. And then? Then you make me fall right back in love with you in The Holiday. I was over you! I was done. And now I'm right back on that crazy train called love.
Parents who won't shut their pie-holes at the Christmas Concert. You know, I get it. I'm a social creature by nature. So I'm really sorry that some of you only get out of your houses when there is an event at the school. This is not my problem. Meet your girlfriends for coffee. DO NOT sit there while I'm trying to *ahem* enjoy the Christmas carolings of our youth and review your entire pathetic lives. I swear I will go all WWE on your candy asses and grab those folding chairs and beat you down.
Man (or woman) in the green pick-up truck. Double yellow lines mean no passing. I'm really sorry that I wasn't driving fast enough for you through that NEIGHBORHOOD near a PARK when the school busses are out picking up children. I'm not sure what was so damn important that you had to pass me like you were on fire, but the karmic payback was that you ended up in front of me at the red light and then we followed a truck pulling a huge piece of construction equipment all the way up Merrillville Road. HA!
Christmas shoppers. You know what people...it happens on December 25th EVERY YEAR. You could, in fact, start EARLY. But no. You have to wait until the last damn minute and then rush around everywhere trying to pack it all in and make traffic on 30 complete hell. And then? Then you are in such a rush that you don't know what you're doing, so you make an illegal u-turn in front of the Meijer and cause a major accident stopping traffic for miles. Seriously. Get it together.
Jamba juice creators. You, you with your weeee beady eyes, putting chemicals in your juice that make me crave it fort-nightly! Damn you jamba juice!
Clothing manufacturers. Have you ever seen a real woman? Do you know how to make clothes fit a real woman? Do you know how to use fabrics that don't actually shrink two sizes after one washing?
Teenage girls of the world. You're young. And looking "older" doesn't require exposing skin and wearing too much make-up, despite what your publicity role models display. They will all eventually end up in rehab. Do you want to end up in rehab? Then keep flaunting those muffin tops in jeans that are far too small for you.
Phew...I feel even MORE betterer than I did yesterday! This festivus deal is kick ass! Whaddya got, bloggers??? Air those grievances...quick!
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9 comments:
What's a muffin top?
HA! a muffin top is the belly fat of young girls that hangs over the top of their too small ultra low jeans...like the top of the muffin that hangs over the paper...
And then they wear these short skin tight shirts. Ummmm, no.
What happened to wearing boy jeans and big rugby shirts? Those were the days.
Those were the days...
I LOVE Jude.
What kind of Jamba Juice should we have tomorrow?
Mmmmmmm, jamba juice. Well - I think I'm in a citrus squeeze place. Nothing with those pesky raspberry seeds, that's for sure.
I must admit I didn't know what a muffin top was either, Scott. I thought it meant the back side (in which case I guess it would say muffin tops). There - that's my grievance for today...Pull your pants up WOMEN!
That's not the muffin top I know.
Rebecca, what's with the negativity? You've got issues...
P.S. If there were spell check on this blog I would use it.
Muffin Top = Coin Purse
Chick Chick Boom MRA3=DORK!
Jimmer, for the love of all that's right and holy, use Firefox 2.0. It'll squiggle typos with a red line in any web form. Get off IE, man. It'll steal your soul.
It's not negative, Jimmer - it's FESTIVUS. Did you not see Seinfeld EVER? For those of us that understand the Airing of the Grievances, this is supposed to be FUNNY.
Scottish - here, here, my friend. IE WILL steal your soul. I've seen it happen.
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