Get off my bruised back, man!

So I know - I suck. I'm a bad, bad blogger. You can't give me any more guilt than I've already given myself. I used to be Catholic for cripes sake.

I've started two different posts this week, but there was a problem. They were horrible. They weren't funny, they lacked anything interesting. Some would argue that most of my posts are that way and I've still managed to keep the the blog going for over a year. (chick-chick-boom! mra3=dork [that was for you katmat])

It's Friday the 13th, kiddies. *insert scary movie music here* Julie's birthday is on the 13th, so every now and again her birthday falls on a Friday the 13th *insert tinkling piano AND scary movie music here*. One year, and I think it was actually her 13th birthday *insert dramatic duhn-duhn-duhn music here* we rented every Jason movie there was and had a slumber party. Back then I was tough. Back then I could handle the blood-n-guts scary movies. Oh who am I kidding...Julie's brothers had to walk me halfway home for YEARS. Still do. I'm a huge scared-of-the-dark-frady-cat sissy. *insert canned laughter here...and pointing*

I can no longer watch scary movies. They freak me out. In fact, I'll share my neuroses a little further. Most of you already know this, but I really do believe that there are "killers" that follow me and are just waiting for me to be
a) alone in the dark outside
b) locking the basement door when it's late and therefore dark outside
c) getting something out of my car in the garage when it's late and dark.

And these aren't The Killers, mind you - because that would be awesome. (I want a lunchbox with Brandon Flowers pictures on it. I love you Brandon, call me.) Yes, I have their button on my jean jacket. Don't you judge me! Have you seen him? He's dreamy cute and I love their songs and oh my, it's John Taylor from Duran Duran all over again. I'm sick, I know. Shut up.

Back to the OTHER killers...lowercase k...they live somewhere around my barn, I think. I'm not sure, I've never actually seen them. They're sneaky. And I just know that if...well, let's say that I do "a)" and go outside when it's dark and scary all by myself. They are going to stalk me in the shadows, possibly whispering, wait until I'm totally freaking out with the hairs raised on the back of my neck, and then jump out of the darkness and mutilate me and put me in my trunk. Actually, that's the way all 3 scenarios end. And the death is long and torturous and drawn out. I'm not even sure if they're men or women, but they're out there. And they follow me. Like not only can I absolutely NOT go outside in the dark in MY house, I also cannot go outside in the dark at YOUR house. Not by myself anyway. Not going to happen, not unless you want me dripping my blood out of my trunk and onto your driveway. Do you want that? Do you???

I've been close to death a couple of times now. I've actually teased the killers and gone outside in the dark by myself and gotten to the hairs raised on the back of my neck part, which is after the the stalking and whispering part! Close calls - because we all know what comes next! The jumping out of the darkness and mutilating me part. Luckily I escaped by running back to the house screaming. That's how you scare them off. That's a free tip from me to you if ever you're confronted by the killers in the dark.

So happy Friday the 13th everyone. Snuggle under a blanket and watch a good romantic comedy tonight. Forget that scary stuff - it's overrated. Besides, you can come to my house anytime you want and hang out with REAL killers. Geesh.

*ETA: Click on the Eileen link to see her latest entry in her local paper. She blames ME for her Idol addiction. The nerve! You can't blame someone else for your own lack of willpower, Eileen. It's time you took responsibility for YOU.