One pill makes you larger...and one pill makes you small...

Pain is a funny thing. It makes you think completely differently about yourself, your life and what you can and cannot do. I am in constant, 24/7 pain and have been for 6 months. "Go see a doctor!" you're all saying. I have. I am. Prescription anti-inflammatories. Ibuprofen. This exercise, that exercise. Heat...no MOIST heat. Do you hold the phone with that hand? Do you do this, do you do that, let's get some x-rays. Let's adjust you. Off to the chiropractor...everything looks fine on your x-rays. Let's stim you and heat you and massage you until you are in so much fucking pain that you can't even lift your arm...but whatever we do let's not TELL you what our goal is, what our plan is, what MIGHT be causing this. For those of you who think that stim and moist heat and massage therapy sounds good, let me assure you...it doesn't FEEL good. When I leave there I feel like someone just shoved a large baseball under my fucking skin and stapled my muscles to it and these bitches have to the nerve to look at me like I'm CRAZY when I come in two days later and I tell them my pain is now at an 8, where it was at a 5. More stim, more heat, more massage = more tears. PS...on a scale of 1 to 10 today, I'm at a 10. But I've been a 15 before, so this is nothing.

Back to the doctor I go. Muscle relaxers. Hallelujah! Victory! Except, I don't know what muscles this pill thinks it's relaxing, because nothing about me feels relaxed, least of all my shoulder. Now I'm in physical therapy. More exercises, more stim, more heat, and now some ice thrown in to reduce the swelling. More stinky analgesic cream on my shoulder when I have to go back to work. I.am.hot. I smell like a fucking nursing home.

It's 2:46. I took a muscle relaxer at 6:30 am. 10:30 am. 12:30 pm. I want another one, but I am not a pill person. Especially muscle relaxers. They scare me. Can I take too much? Can I really be the bride from 'Sixteen Candles' stumbling down the aisle? Certainly I can, and THAT's what I want to be, the girl who OD'd on muscle relaxers at WORK! GREAT. Like I need child protective services knocking on my door. Puh-lease. And nevermind the fact that I would probably pass out, in the hallway, and I'm wearing a SKIRT, so you just know I would pass out with my legs this way and that way and flash people embarassingly before someone called 911. NOW I'm the girl in the skirt who OD'd on muscle relaxers who didn't shave her thighs, because, well, who does? I mean really, the hair is so thin there anyway and I don't wear anything where people would ever really see past my knees...except for EMT's and emergency room nurses when you pass out at work from an overdose of muscle relaxers. And while I'm at it, just to complete this sexy picture...I couldn't find my tights. So I had to wear socks with my boots. Well, the boots are high and the socks are short...no one can SEE them for cripe's sake. And yeah, I couldn't find my normal black socks...so I had to wear my black valentine's day socks with the pink hearts on them. And now you're all thinking what a lucky fucking guy the Kev-head is. Sweet Jesus. I'm waiting until 3:30 - and then I'm taking another pill. I hope you'll all come to my competency hearing.