Ba-na-na-na-na-na You say it's your birthday...ba-na-na-na-na-na...it's my birthday, too, yeah!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR KATHYYYYYYYYY
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Ah yes - it's the young Kathy's birthday. Which means it was the G-meister's birthday yesterday. Hooray G! Hooray Kathy! Hooray birthdays! Hooray eating thai food! Hooray cake from Beck's!

Boooooo working on rainy gloomy days.

I have actually had so many blogging topics in my head these days ... and right now I cannot think of one of them. My brain is on overloaded lately. So much going on, so much to remember...and every now and then I'll say something funny and think "that would be AWESOME for the blog!" You guys would laugh, and make funny responses and I would laugh. It would be such great blogging fun! And then. Then I put my hands on the keyboard and phhhhhht. nuthin. I can't remember a damn thing. Like Julie and I had quite a funny conversation on the phone last night. I can't remember what it was about, but I remember that I had her cracking up. And I remember something at somepoint during that conversation might have been blogworthy. What is this mystery subject? The world may never know. Because after that conversation abruptly ended with my battery dying and Julie talking to dead air, I had to go to the store and buy pet food and other misc. groceries, pick up food at KFC for Kev-head and Owie (they are addicted to the bowls)...find Owen's missing football helmet...get home, check the mail, check homework, watch Rockstar and fall asleep on the couch.

Maybe I need to carry around a little notebook. Maybe I need a little tape recorder that I can walk around and talk into to remind myself of blog topics and funny anecdotes. Like blog dictation. Blogtation we'll call it. BRILLIANT.

I would like to get on my soapbox for one itty-bitty minute here. Email hoaxes people. Seriously. Look them up before you forward them. No, they're not publishing your cell phone to telemarketers. No, you are not going to die from rat urine on your coke cans. Your not going to make thousands of dollars from Microsoft or AOL for forwarding emails. Say that to yourself out loud. Bill Gates is going to pay you to forward an email. You're fucking kidding me, right? There are no needles anywhere and you're not going to die heating up water for your morning tea. The mulch at home depot doesn't contain killer termites. There are several, SEVERAL sites out there that do nothing but dispell these stupid urban legends. In the time you added names in the "to" of your email forward, you could have run a simple google search for the subject line of that email and found out it's a farse and been done with it. Please. Begging you.

Covered in vomit...no, it's not mine...no, I'm not partying today...

I'm babysitting. For my niece and nephew. The other niece had to go to Chicago to have surgery, so I volunteered to watch the other youngins. The benefit? DSL so I can check in at work, not pull my hair out, and blog for you all. I know you're thrilled.

I've never been so happy in my whole life that I have boys. These games...the pet shop game and the princess game and I have to wear a tiara? WHAT? And Rylee is LOVING it because her big sister is gone so SHE can be the caterpillar in the pet shop game and I have to be something else. "Morgan always gets to be the caterpillar" she says to me her eyes wide. Yes, dear...YOU can be the caterpillar today. I am caterpillar and fluffer-nuttering my way into coolest aunt status. YES! *insert fist pump here*

This is the niece that I should have had if I had girls. She loves to chit-chat, she LOVES food. Her first comment to me after breakfast was: "Mommy left my car seat" Yes, she did, I told her. Then she says..."that means we should go to a restaurant for lunch." I love a girl who plans ahead to lunch right.after.breakfast. I mean seriously...could she be any more like me? Someday she'll be a rockstar and have her own blog and I'll get a little weepy every time she posts. *sniff* And she loves to talk on the phone. If Ka-ka wouldn't kill me, we'd call him every five minutes.

This is kid week for me...last night was cub scout roundup. It went pretty well, given the weather ... we'll have to do a secondary roundup next week to haul in more peeps. Today is Rylee and Blake day - he's a fabulous baby...cooing and gooing...but then there's the puking. This kid spits up more reliably than Old Faithful. And it's messier, too. And stinkier. In fact, I think I have some formula spit up on my shirt right now that is making me a little nauseous. But he's still a great baby..eating...sleeping...eating...sleeping. Doing everything little babies should do. Rylee is entertaining him in the next room while I type to you. I think she's gotten boring, though, because the screams of joy are starting to sound more like crying. Guess I'm back on duty.

There's a reason I didn't have more babies folks...this formula smell? Gah.

Friday hopefully will be Hayden slumber party day...hooray!
But Thursday - Thursday is all about ME...it's my first night of bowling, baybee! No I don't have my own ball yet. No I don't have my own shoes yet. Haven't you been reading about how BUSY I've been lately? Cut me some slack people. Geez. For the love.

Here's to good friends...tonight is kinda special...

the beer we'll pour...well...it simply must keep coming. The beer store called...they said the ya-ya's and their men drank all the beer on Thursday and Friday. That is good times, right there, I don't care who ya'are.It was so wonderful so see Suzi, our long distance ya-ya and meet Brad, her beau. He totally fit. I mean, it was like he graduated with us...he got it. YAY! This bodes well for future ya-ya excursions with spouses. We started at Wagner's for dinner. mmmmmm...ribs. And after dinner we ended up at Smitty's in Porter...and it was karaoke night. Yeah, baby. Brad was completely up for the challenge...which, of course, wins him a special place in my heart. Eventually we called the Jimmer into action.

My favorite part of Smitty's- right outside the door of the girls' bathroom - there's a sign...it says "To the bar ---------->". Okay...ummmm, you're kidding me right? How wasted do you have to be in small town joint to not be able to find your way back to the bar. I mean, you look to the left, doors to the kitchen. You look to your right...and literally 10 feet away...the BAR. Thank heaven they put that sign there, I NEVER would have found my way back.

Also, loads of entertainment - a chalkboard in the bathroom. These guys at the end of the bar couldn't get over the 3 of us running into the bathroom with our cameras...I guess in hindsight that must look pretty strange. But then again...it's us...and we usually are strange.

I have so much more to say about this night...Jimmer kissing Suzi...and Brad...it was completely healthy. And hilarious. And I have pictures. OH! and somewhere in there I flashed Sheryl's husband, Ray. Also completely healthy. And hilarious...no pictures. I was trying to help him get rid of the image of this "buxom" girl wearing low-riders who bent over -- he got an eyeful of ass-crack. He was in PAIN people and I rushed to his aid. All he got was additional cleavage...it's not like I gave him the full monty. For cripe's sake -- simmer down - I was just trying to give him a better image in his head. She didn't have a muffin-top - I think she ate the muffin man. I'm unclear. It was awful.

In completely different news...you all know that I've been battling my school board with several other militant moms to try and get smaller classroom sizes for our kids. The principal called this morning, and let me tell ya - at 9am, when the phone rings, and your automated attendant says "You have a call from {insert name of principal here}" - your heart sinks just a little. Okay, a lot...first words she says to me..."Everything is just fine with Owen" PHEW! She proceeds to tell me that they are adding a second grade teacher to our roster, a voluntary move from one of the other elementary schools, giving us another section of kindergarten and 2 full time aides to help with the large classes in grades 3-5. Seriously, I almost wept. It's like Christmas people...CHRISTMAS. No one knows why this happened or how. As of last Monday's school board meeting nothing had changed. Who knows...it's beautiful thing.

Come young Skywalker, come to the dark side...

Bwah-ha-ha-ha!

Amongst the many crazy goofy things I've committed myself to, I sit on the board for the Northwest Indiana chapter of Thrivent Financial for Lutherans. We give out money to people. It doesn't require a lot of my time, and it gives me those warm fuzzies to counteract the laundry list of reasons I'll probably end up in hell. And there's a big Christmas dinner at the end of the year at a great restaurant in Kentland. Yeah, Kentland. Okay, so maybe this is kind of why I may end up in hell. I'm really doing it for charity reasons...I swear...it's not the food...yeah...okay....I don't even believe me.

I sit on this board with a bunch of 90-year-old men. During my "interview" with the former president of the board, he wanted to make sure I knew how to use "those computers" and access "the internet." Do you know how to use the internet, he asked....ummmmm, yeah...I think I got that one covered. I told him I worked in systems administration so I would be fine. Yeah, okay, he said, but do you know how to use the internet? Seriously.Killing.me. I am the records director, which is just a fancy way of saying I'm the secretary. One of these men is particularly curmudgeonly. I mean he's one of those opinionated old-timers with a booming voice and can be very intimidating. VERY intimidating. He reminds me of my high school calculus teacher - you guys remember Bob Waskom, right? "uuuuummmmmm, Beggggy...do you haaaaave a brown calculus book?" That sharp tone, that southern drawl...refusing to call me anything but "Beggy" because I don't think he was capable of formulating a hard c sound. Anyway...his name is Guy. And he's quite the character. We were discussing the upcoming "election" for the board (no one cares about us and believe it or not, we have a hard time doling out the almost $10,000 our chapter is given by Thrivent every year) and he was saying something about sending a letter to the churches about the "ballots" they need to put out so they can hold an election in September. He was saying he wanted the letter to include some language about "thanks to all of the efforts of the congregations, we have filled all of the board positions...blah...blah...blah" - which is a load of hooey and we all know it...we fill the positions by begging anyone who will do it. The congregations don't do crap for us. So I say "I guess it's good that you can't pick up sarcasm in the meeeting minutes" and I laugh. Guy at first looks at me in shock and then...wait for it...laughs at me. "Oh there was no sarcasm there..." he says. Uh-huh - he LAUGHED people. I totally broke him! This curmudgeony old goat laughed. So now I have two reasons to sit on the board....ONE - buying my way into whatever good place comes after this - because I'll be damned if my spirit, or my energy or my soul or whatever is left after this hunk of muscle and tissue turns to worm food is forced into an eternity of wearing bad shoes, drinking Boone's Farm and listening to K-Fed CD's. If there's a hell, that's it. Just put my sister there with me and it seals the torment. TWO - to remove the corn-cob from this old-timers ass. He really is a nice guy who cares about people, but he's so.hard.to.deal.with. I have a project. I think he thinks I come from a different planet sometimes. Can you see me sitting in this room with the seniors trying to hammer out plans? Sweet Jesus - talk about wanting to light yourself on fire.

Tonight: Dinner at Wagner's...mmmmmmm ribs......
Tomorrow: Birthday party for my niece.
Sunday: Opening day for football, baybee! IF Owen gets to play. He missed the official weigh-in because we were on vacation, and the next one isn't until Monday. His coach was going to call the other coach and see if they would let him play since he's not even close to being over the weight limit for his league. If he does play, he's playing tight end, some linebacker position, and he's one of two quarterbacks. Should be an interesting year.

That's what friends are for...

So I got into this very strange discussion with a person here at my office...he doesn't understand how people who work together become friends outside of the office. It's a totally foreign concept to him. But he doesn't really have friends outside of the office that he doesn't work with, either. He's just not that way. I mean, he has some, but not a lot.

This has launched a two-day discussion on friends, and how many I have, and how I communicate with them and how I met them and blah, blah, blah. I mean really in depth. He has decided I have met my 'friend quota.' I told him I haven't even gotten started yet. He simply cannot believe I went on my honeymoon and came back with new friends, who actually came to my house for the weekend. It was fun - I really like them. He can't believe that Julie has made "train friends." I told him I have daily friends, you know, the core group that I must talk to every day...see Julie over there waving...yeah, that's the core group. And then there are weekly friends, the friends I check in with at least once a week if not more. There are monthly friends and quarterly friends...I've talked about this before. Once I find someone I like, I don't like to let go. Maybe I'm sick. It is what it is.

I've been told before that I'm very good at keeping up with my friends, which I think is a good thing. This work person doesn't understand how I have time for anything else. I reminded him that I spend a shitload of time in my car, and therefore have a lot of time for catching up on the phone.

Anyway - this two day conversation about friendship and what constitutes a friendship has me wondering...is it because I'm overly co-dependent that I have and keep this many friends? Most people would say "Oh that Rebecca - she's got so many friends and isn't she fun!" But is it really fun? Or am I just masking my own inadequacies by surrounding myself with people all of the time. "Here - focus on THEM - don't focus on ME and how screwed up I am!" Am I so good about staying in touch because I can't stand the silence or am I truly a dedicated friend? AM I JUST A TOTAL WHACK JOB??

Well, sure...we all know the answer to that. But I've been told several times by several people that they would never have kept in contact with me unless I had kept in contact with them. Is that just a nice way of saying "You didn't really matter that much to me but you hounded me and now here I am at dinner/coffee/birthday party." Am I like a pesky fly that won't go away? That mosquito doing fly-bys on you while you sleep, and you keep swatting and ignoring and it just keeps coming back to suck your blood??? Is that me? Am I like a friend stalker? Or are they truly happy I kept in touch because they're just bad about it. My girlfriend Laura says that all of the time.

I jokingly likened myself to a tick - you have to coat me in nailpolish and suffocate my ass to get rid of me. Or burn me with a match until I pull my head out.

Hmmmmm....
I don't know.
What kind of friend are you? How many people would you consider "in your core group?" Have I truly met my friend quota??

Mental note: wear matching shoes...

There is a picture coming, I promise. But right now, in Chicago, Julie is wearing two different shoes. Yeah, that's right, two.different.shoes. And not like two different style black shoes...two different sneakers, gym shoes, whatever you want to call them. And they're kind of different colors.

HILARIOUS.

I mean, who am I to judge, I forget my purse or my phone or my kids on a regular basis. But seriously, two different shoes. I love it.

I have actually been pretty on top of my game. Proper notes to the teachers, school supplies purchased, homework checked. I am on it, babies! Of course it's only the third day of school for Owen and the first day for Alex, but I am soooooo together. Do not burst my bubble and tell me how it's all going to fall apart. I'm well aware of this. By next week I'll be in fetal position behind my couch rocking back and forth babbling about backpacks and cheese whiz. But now...now I'm BRILLIANT.

WINE TASTING...LOVED it! There were some really great new selections, and I ordered WAAAAAAY too much, but the holidays will be here before you know it and I can give some as gifts.

Today is a free day for me, people...FREE DAY...which means I have nothing planned tonight. Whoo-hoo!!! Well, nothing except for cooking dinner, folding laundry, returning scout phone calls...but nothing that involves leaving the house.

And even though most of you don't know her...HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINDA!!! That's Luke's mom to some of you. ;) She's a part-time lurker here on the blog - but she's suffering from slow-dial-up syndrome and can't check in always...

O Canada!

Our home and native land!
True patriot love in all thy sons command.

I LOVE the Falls! I love it like I would marry it! What a great weekend, and lemme tell ya - you couldn't spend much more time there than that because you would go completely broke. WAAAAAAAAAY too much money spent in a short period of time, loveys. And I didn't even do ONE of the wine tours. Not ONE!!! Damn family-oriented bullshit, that's what it was. I mean, I love it! I love it like I would marry it.

Considering it started with me in a van with my sister and her boyfriend whom I've never met for 8 hours, I think it all went pretty well. Kev-head and I decided that if Jen & Charles break up, we're keeping Charles. First - he emptied the hotel mini-bar into his backpack to take on the road for the "day of touristy stuff." A stroke of GENIUS when we're waiting for the People Mover that he whips out some cans of cranberry and OJ and all the little bottles of vodka and rum and we're now having cocktails waiting for the bus. BRILLIANT. And he finds my sister's stupid quirky bullshit just as annoying as we do! BRILLIANT! And he's got a sense of humor like Kevin's, which is sometimes not so brilliant...
but hey, I never said he was perfect. He is, after all, dating my sister. Which for the life of me I can't figure out. He seems normal enough. He must have a crazy flag he's just not flying all of the time, and he managed to keep it in his suitcase for the weekend.

We saw the falls, we ate food, we played in the arcade, went on the big ferris wheel, walked the Ripley's museum, swam in the hotel pool, drank in the hotel bar, did all the major tourist shit that costs one million dollars (crowd favorite - Maid of the Mist - it's a blast!). It rained on Saturday and no one cared because we were soaking.frigging.wet. all day anyway. I think I lost weight from being wrapped in yellow and blue plastic ponchos for so long.

Aaaaaaaaand, I WON in the casino! That NEVER happens to me!!! I think I was playing roulette - but the table didn't have black and red on it. The wheel did. Anyway, I gave the lady $20, she gave me a bunch of chips. I disbursed them onto a bunch of numbers, and then was politely told that there's a $15 minimum on the table. Whoops. Friggin' rookie. So I just started throwing chips everywhere and I won $70. Hooray! Boooo losing in the poker machines, hooray #19. That is now, officially, my new favorite number. I totally paid for my Coach bag that my sister had sent to me that my husband didn't know about, even though I was carrying it all over Canada...gotta love him.

The one-liners are too many to list...I should have kept a handy-dandy notebook.
Tonight: Wine tasting at Impressions Cafe - I'm taking my girlfriend Linda for her birthday.
It's a busy week folks, including wine tasting, football practice, knife skills class (for cooking! Hooray!), church board meetings, dinner with Suzi and her boyfriend, niece's birthday party and opening day for football on Sunday, kids. Yowzers!

You say it's your birthday....

So YESTERDAY the Jimmer actually hit the big 3-0...hurray!

And today - today the Kev-head turns 41. Happy Birthday Kev-head!!

We're running for the border tonight, kids - so no blog tomorrow. I miss you all already.

Have a great weekend!

Boo party being over, hurray beer!

OMG - So, the Jimmer's surprise 30th birthday happened this weekend - and let me just pat all my little bloggers and lurkers on the back for not giving it away. I know there were SEVERAL times when I almost said - "see you on Saturday" or "hope you can come out on Saturday" or "hey I'm burning CD's for Jimmer's party, what do you guys think of these songs" ...you know, subtle stuff like that. UGH. It was HARD not to talk about it here, wasn't it???

So glad that's over! Keeping quiet is not exactly my strong suit.

I think the Jimmer was actually surprised, or he was so drunk from his golf outing that he forgot, one of the two. There were several highlights from the day:

1. Chris yelling at Mike "Mike, Jimmy's here...Jimmy!" and Mike waving Chris over and saying 'Go fuck yourself'. Out of context this doesn't sound nice - in context, completely hilarious.

2. Doug marching out with the American flag wearing a referree shirt- I don't know who goosesteps with the American flag in their hand, but apparently Doug does.

3. The fireworks almost burning down the neighborhood - seeing Rich and his friend run like hell as the rogue firework is blowing up around their feet...I didn't know they could run that fast!

4. Jimmer saying Boooooo to whatever....Hurray beer!

5. Doug invented a new word - ambisextrous. It's the ability to pleasure oneself with either hand. Excellent.

6. Tiffany wearing a Liberty Rec Mariners jersey that I think Jimmer wore when he was in the 7th grade.

7. Watching Tigger "play volleyball" - HA! She was hilarious!!

That's all I got for now...the food was great and we had plenty of it. We had great weather - a great bonfire...I think Jimmer was pretty happy with all of it. What are your fun stories from the party? My brain is fried...

*Please notice the new link on the left. Our best blog friend forever (BBFF) Eileen is officially a celebrity having had her blog coverage of the Kenny Loggins concert published on the News-Review website!! Check it out!


And just when you thought I couldn't get any more insane - please refer to the other new link on the left - stuffonmycat.com - this is a pic of a member of the orange helmet army. Be sure to check out the entire section called "Food on my cat" - some of this is really good stuff.

Facelift ...

So I was thinking about changing my blog template...

How are you all feeling about this? I thought it might make the entries a little wider and a little shorter - better to see you with, my dear.

Anyway - I'm in pain, but I get to go eat fair food for lunch. You should all know by now how much I love my food from a booth. :) Anyone doing anything fun this weekend? We were going to take the kids to the Lake County Fair on Saturday, but now Alex is going to be gone, so I don't think we will. Unless we go and let him take a friend...there's a thought! He would love that.

The summer is almost gone!

If you love me, just shoot me...

Really...help a sister out...

So Coach Kevin is all loving his new football coaching position...and here's why:

The bane of my existence...the reason my husband must die. I love him, but if he continues to blow that stupid, friggin' whistle all around the house calling "illegal plays" or telling me to drop and give him 10 for talking - I'm going to wrap that cord around his neck and shove that whistle down his throat.

A bit violent?
Hmmmm...thought so...sorry.

The other night I was on the phone with my girlfriend and we were screaming and yelling about the school board meeting (because they're jackasses and our elementary school is once again on academic watch, partially due to our oversized classrooms - ugh) - and Kevin is, and I'm not even making this up, at the top of the stairs, in his underwear, blowing his coach's whistle and calling "illegal motion" on the school board, laughing hysterically. He says it's the single greatest thing he's ever been given as a coach. I'm secretly plotting to bury it in the yard.

Last night he said it was a good practice, "I got to blow my whistle a lot." I asked Owen if Dad was "gratuitously blowing his whistle" and he said "what does that mean??" and I said "Is he blowing it just to blow it?" and after careful consideration, said "Yeah, sometimes I think so."

Brilliant.

All I know is, the day he wakes me up with that damn thing is the day it's all over people. Save up bail money for me and prepare your character witness statements. Because that man is going down.

Two hours of my life I'm never getting back...

I don't mean to sound like I'm bitching about the way my school system handles things...

BWAH-HA-HA-HA-HA...who are we kidding?? I'm ALWAYS bitching about the way my school system handles things.

So here's one more for the road.

Today was school registration, yo...from 1-6 today, 8-11 and 12-2 tomorrow. A lot of convenient hours for working parents, eh? Not to mention that if you wait until after work, you're there until at LEAST 9pm. AT LEAST. So I decided to go on my lunch "hour". Ahem.

Let's be very clear. If I'm going to take a 3 hour lunch, it should involve me, Julie, Tigger, Pea and some adult beverages. NOT me and every white trash, wife-beater tank wearin', no showerin', no job havin' redneck with loud, dirty, disrespectful little piss-ants for children and no teeth (or even worse, really, really bad bleach jobs, ewwwwwww). But no. It wasn't to be. I got there at 12:45 thinking I'd be one of the first in line. Apparently everyone had this thought, because there were about 40 "people" in front of me. And I use that term loosely. I left my job at 12:15, I came back at almost 3:15. No, we're not new students. No, none of our information changed. This is seriously how.long.it.takes. I wanted to light myself on fire in protest, but I'm wearing great shoes today.

This one woman (and I use THAT term VERY loosely) couldn't a) control her children and b) stop running her mouth about how her husband is in the emergency room. Ummmm, you're kidding me, right - your husband is in the ER and you're standing in line to pay for book rental?? What is wrong with you? First - tell your kids to stop screaming, running in circles and beating the crap out of each other while singing "you can't catch me" at the top of their lungs. Second - talk to the principal - you don't have to pay book rental until November. WALK OUT THE DOOR. Please. Because your kids are making me want to start cutting myself to forget the pain of it all.

Too dramatic?
Hmmm. thought so. But it was baaaaaaad folks. Bad.

So Owen is registered for the 4th grade. Hell, Alex was registered last year. Whatever.
I *heart* school.

You put your head in, you put your head out

you put your head in aaaaaaand...

we strap it down to a board with foam pinscher-like things that come up around your neck. And then we tighten those, so that when we apply the pounds to the thingy, it literally pulls up on the pinscher things and pulls your skull upwards away from your neck/shoulders. Ummm, yeah...this, boys and girls is what we call traction. Can you say traction?

And immediately super-psycho PT lady looks at the order and says - "huh, he ordered up to 10 pounds. You can barely feel 10 pounds. We'll start you at 15."

WHAT? ummmm, okay? Because that ortho doc is clearly CRAZY.

I took my NSAID (doesn't this sound important?) this morning, and some ibuprofen this afternoon. So far I don't feel horrible after my 'treatment' this morning. I guess that's what they're calling it at the S&M PT school now.

I guess I should be grateful. Some traction devices can look like this:

Doesn't THAT look pleasant??? So given the two alternatives, I'll stick with what I have. Soon they'll have me hooked up to that device that almost-killed the man in black on the Princess Bride.

And ready or not, folks, it's football season. Owen is happy to be playing, so happy, in fact that Kevin had to tell him to quit smiling during tackling practice. Kevin is COACHING - even when he SWORE that he wouldn't, because Owen needs an activity where we're not uber-involved. And because he doesn't know anything about football. Just ask him. But the guys that are coaching Owen's team like Kevin and think he's great with the kids, so he's in. Even though he doesn't know anything about football. This oughta be fun.


Alex might be playing some team sports with his school this year, so hopefully I'll have some fun pics to add of him. If not, I'll sneak into his guitar and drum lessons and try and get some candids. He's taller than my mom now, will be taller than his dad soon. And still has chicken legs like my dad. :)

You're f*(*#&# kidding me, right?

Every now and again, there are things that make you go hmmmmmm...

And then there are those that make you go "You have GOT to be fucking KIDDING me!

Hmmmmm is when Lance Bass is gay.
YHGTBFKM is when the wax museum feels the need to make a wax look alike of baby Shiloh.

Hmmmm is when I pay $41 a piece for bras. Hey, they're worth it!
YHGTBFKM is when they announce this morning that BP is closing some oil thingy in Alaska and our gas could go up over $4/gallon. Don't these assholes know how much I drive in a week? And now we have FOOTBALL to contend with. Bastards.

Hmmmm is Jimmer asking about gas
YHGTBFKM is Julie talking about intermittent releases in the Kohl's - and her hubby busting her out on it...HILARIOUS.

Hmmmm is me installing 8 disks of a recovery set for a friend's computer and having the install fail.
YHGTBFKM is talking to Comcrap and having them say that it must be a fault in the disks, even though the install is prompting me for a "supplemental disk" that I do not have. So they send me ANOTHER set of 8 disks, and the same.damn.thing.happens. So I have to call again and now they say they'll send me the supplemental disk. That I asked for in the first place. Bastards.

Hmmmm is almost getting blindsided by one of the grandma's pulling out of the retirement apartments back here by my building.
YHGTBFKM is almost getting into a 3 car pile up because this other granny couldn't decide if she was going to turn or go straight. So she just STOPPED. Bastards!

Hmmmm is me leaving my purse at home. Again.
YHGTBFKM is realizing my office keys are in there, too. Damnit!

What's your YHGTBFKM moment?

Dear Ann Landers...

Or Dear Abby...
Or Dear Ramblers....

Take your pick, either way, I have had a plea from one of our avid readers for a post about the high price of gas.

Not gasoline, mind you. GAS. As in bodily functions. As in the SBD, Panty Burps, Trouser Coughs, Anal Audio...you all get the picture. It can cost you a lot, if you're dating someone new. So from this blogger, who shall remain nameless...I bring you this email excerpt...

First and foremost, everyone knows that men have more gas than women. Check that, everyone knows that men do not treat their gas the same way women do. Quantity is not an issue here. You women have the ability to pass gas without a sole hearing it. I mean, the hearing test lady can’t even hear it with all of her equipment. But I digress. My question is, does a woman with whom you are in the beginning stages of a relationship (one month) expect us men not to let a single squeak out for “x” number of days since the inception of the relationship, or am I making more out of this than I should. To be clear, I’m not talking about the basketball court clearing, eye watering, dog running off kind of fart. I’m talking about your average fart that may have a slight stink but doesn’t last very long and usually has a bigger bark (if you will) than bite. I am not talking about farts that I would plant on my brothers’, sisters’, nephews’, nieces’, friends’ or even a few coworkers’ heads that could potentially cause blindness and loss of taste for a week. Furthermore, I’m not talking about beer farts or something that may sound wet. These little buddies are in a class all by themselves… (I guess I’m a connoisseur.)

So I'm asking you - the men and women of my blogosphere to weigh in on the dating/farting allowance period.

Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it's a twister, it's a twister!

What do you make of this?
Well, I can make a hat, or I can make a broach, or I can make a pterodactyl...

And yet another movie surfaces that should be on the must-see list. But I digress...

I seriously thought something baaaaaad was happening at 3:30 this morning. There I am, minding my own business, but doing something I shouldn't be doing. Sleeping in my contacts. (What were you thinking?) I was tired...it happens...father forgive me! But no! I was also sleeping on the wrong side of the bed. The Kev-head and I do this occasionally...change things up...we're craaaaazy! So anyway, at 3:30...BOOM! CRASH! BOOM! Breaking glass! Me screaming! And jumping on Kevin! And not in that good way he might actually like at 3:30 am. In a bad way that says "I'm about to piss myself!" And he's screaming what? WHAT? And I scream "You didn't hear that?! There's breaking glass over there! Did the window just shatter?!" And he says "I have earplugs in" And the wind is howling and the lightning is crashing, and the power is out - BRILLIANT - so we're racing around trying to figure out what glass is breaking and I'm wondering if a damn tornado is coming and we can't find any god &*#! freaking matches to light the candles!

Alas, the boom-crash knocked a picture of my boys off a shelf which came crashing down on the bedside table, shattering the glass. The windows are fine. We still didn't have power until almost 7am - yes, I look AWESOME today, thanks - but all is well. Except for that picture frame. Which is, of course, broken.

Julie got drenched on her way to work and is pissing and moaning about how long it takes denim to dry. Ummmmm, yeah, the chaffing is wonderful! Poor Julie! She was thinking about going to Fields and picking up some new pants...I fully support this. Tina! Get some new pants!

Doctor update...
"You're not dying, you just can't think of anything good to do"
The short story is that he told me I have inflammation. Seriously? Really doc? Inflammation. NO SHIT? So it's back to the sado-masochistic torture lair, oka, physical therapy...this time with traction. I have no idea what this means, but it can't be good. So you all should be THRILLED because this means many more moments of pain and hilarity for the blog...because it really is all.about.YOU. And another MRI - because really...can you have too much magnetic imaging? The more time I get to spend in those crisp hospital gowns the better, folks! And last but not least, a new anti-inflammatory...because I'm inflamed, people! What's even BETTER is the actual diagnosis on these orders...because you can't order shit without a diagnosis, right?

I have...wait for it...RADICULITIS. Yes, that's right...basically my doctor is now telling me I'm ridiculous, which again...already knew. FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC.

What it actually means is: Inflammation of the intradural portion of a spinal nerve root prior to its entrance into the intervertebral foramen.

I hope that's clear for everyone. uhhhhhhhh.....yeah.

Gel's pizza was rockin' good and the Janet also picked up some garlic knotz from the Greek's which is just heaven in bread form with garlic butter. mmmmmmm, garlic butter.

More later, loveys...

I love it when ya call me Big Poppa...

It's the Harry's birthday today! Hurrah! Happy Birthday, Dad - not that he reads this blog...but at least I know I put it out there in the blogosphere. We're going over there for Gel's pizza after work. It's one of my favoritest pizzas ever. With a nice big salad and some breadsticks...I'll be looking forward to this all day. mmmmmmmm pizza...

So raise a glass, a cup of coffee, a breakfast shake or an egg mcmuffin in the general direction of Jackson Twp. this morning and wish my dad a happy birthday. Between my sister and I, we should have put him into massive coronary by now, but he's still kickin', still has his own hair and none of it's gray, despite the opinions of people back east who insist he's wearing a rug.

Doctor for me today - I'm underwhelmed. I would like to think I'm going to go there and he's going to look at all these films and say "Mrs. Crum...my heavens...you clearly have a distorted schmokken-flokken...we need to do x, y and z right away and you will never have shoulder pain again."

HA! Yeah right.

I'm already prepped for him to see nothing, know nothing and provide me no answers or solutions. I guess I just have to hope that whatever pharmaceutical rep brought him donuts this morning also brought some samples of some miracle drug. Wouldn't that be nice?

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

No, that's not a headline about the Jimmer's love-life...it's the name of a movie, sillies. Haven't heard of it? Yeah, neither had I. Bumptious blogged about it awhile back, and then the lovely Laura recommended it, so I decided I should give it a try. I LOVED this film! Val Kilmer and Robert Downey, Jr. and some girl who I called a poor man's Ellen Pompeo, but Kev-head insists this girl was MUCH better looking. I didn't see it. I think this is the first film I've really loved RDjr in since "Chances Are" and a quick lookup on imdb tells me that was from '89, kids. And he sings the song as the credits roll, which I also loved but the Kev-head replied "anyone can sing with the right amount of production" and proceeded to try and serenade me. But he had no producer and the raw format was not pretty. I love my man, but singing is not one of his attributes. It's one of the reasons I dated him in the first place. I think we're all aware of my sordid past with musicians - ahem...not pretty. Sooooo, I married a man who couldn't carry a tune if I put a handle on it and away we go.

I'm adding this film to my "must see" list...it was that good. I want to buy it and watch it over and over again to pick up the one-liners...there were quite a few. Even Kev-head belly laughed a couple of times.

So what else is on my must see list? In no particular order...
1. Ferris
2. The Negotiator
3. The Usual Suspects
4. Reservoir Dogs
5. Clerks (my aunt and uncle watched this on my recommendation and hated it, but oh well, I still LOVE it)
5a. Change number 5 to all Kevin Smith films including Chasing Amy, Mall Rats, etc. The man is a genius.
6. The Sting (I LOVE Robert Redford, what can I say?)
7. Stealing Home
8. Practical Magic
9. Blazing Saddles
10. The Shining
11. Fight Club
12. Animal House
13. Stripes
14. Caddyshack
15. The Commitments
16. The Full Monty
17. Monty Python and the Holy Grail
18. Almost Famous
19. 40 year old Virgin
20. The Shawshank Redemption

I am quite certain there are more. What are your "must-sees"? Movies that when people say they haven't seen it you actually do a double-take.