Should auld acquaintance be forgot?

And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
And auld lang syne!

It's coming - the new year...2007...the big '07...a fresh start! Gone are my procrastinating ways! I have a clean slate people...a fresh outlook...

Yeah, who are we kidding? I say this every year. But THIS YEAR will be different! WHY? Why do I even begin to think that? Why do I need the flip of a calendar to clean more/say no more/eat better/drink more water/EXERCISE. I mean really, if I'm going to do it, if I actually have the willpower (HA) to do it, why am I not already doing it? Because I'm a lump, that's why. I've come to terms with my lumpiness. I don't like it, but I'm also too lumpy to change it.

But in the spirit of the season, here are some of my pitiful New Year's Resolutions...now young Julie would say that I'm setting myself up for disaster by not being more positive about them.
Blah-blah-blah-positivity...I get it...I'll add it to the list:

1. Be more positive (see? I can do this)
2. Be more positive about being positive (this is very important)
3. Be more organized. This includes but is not limited to: opening the mail every day and disposing of the junk, actually listening to messages on the answering machine, keeping an accurate calendar of activities, going to bed earlier and getting up on time.
4. Finding some sort of exercise. Does bowling count? I only do that once a week, though...so even if it does count, it's a pitiful workout to only do it once a week. Hmmmmm...
5. Establish vacation savings fund.
6. Keep house tidier. How gay does THAT sound? But it's true. It makes my husband crazy and it's not a bad thing - to actually pick up after yourself. Huh, who knew?
7. Be home more than one night in any given week. THIS will be a challenge...not in the winter months so much...I think I can actually pull it off...but when baseball starts I see problems.
8. More family dinners, actually sitting around a table. *gasp* what is the phenomenon of which I speak? I guess that goes hand in hand with actually being HOME.
9. Floss more regularly.
10. Figure out a way to ingest nasty-ass estrogen-reducing powder shit. *ick*
11. Convert my checking account/debit card into something that earns me points/miles/shoes...anything!
12. Drink more water (which may mean less diet coke, this could be a problem)

Okay...that's it for now. Just making that list makes me want to cry. It's exhausting...the thought of it all. But I can do it. I'm determined. DETERMINED. No..really...stop laughing at me and smirking and saying "yeah, right" - be POSITIVE damn you!

So - what are your resolutions? You know you have them...even when you know you won't follow through year after year like me - you still HAVE them. So spill it...I want to laugh at YOU.

Should I get in the hot tub? *yeah*

Will it make me wet? *yeah*
Should I get in the hot tub? *yeah*
Will it make me sweat? *yeah*
Well, well, well....

If you don't know this skit from SNL - get off my blog. Seriously...it's a classic. Ridiculously enough, it is one of my most quoted skits from SNL - and it is with great grief and sorrow that I mourn the loss of the the godfather of soul - Mr. James Brown. Now I know, I know he had his share of troubles and run-ins with the law...and I know he was *ahem* out of his fucking mind...but I love him. No, not like I would marry him, I am not THAT crazy...but Sex Machine? Papa's Got a Brand New Bag? Living in America? Love it all...so today, dig down deep in your soul and let out a whopping "Heeeeeeeyyyyyyy" for the man.

Deaths come in threes - and with the passing of former POTUS Gerald Ford, lots of people should be worried - who will the next one be??? I'm looking at you, Mark Burnett, you tastless soul-sucking, reality show creating maniac. Or no, better...we could just rid ourselves of K-Fed...he's one baggie away from some kind of overdose, I'm sure. Their off-ing Saddam inside 30 days, but I don't think a planned execution really completes the triad of famous deaths, do you?

Let's quickly 180 to a much happier subject. My oldest son is 14 today! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!! Yes, little Mooya himself is officially 14. At this point in the day 14 years ago, I was laying in a hospital bed holding my little blond baby sobbing because my mother was telling me that she couldn't come down because my uncle who was visiting from PA had just had a heart attack!!! So he was in the hospital and my mom couldn't abandon my aunt. He ended up having angioplasty and my mom was up the next day. Oh Alex, you were so cute then - what happened??? I kid, I kid....he's still adorable, even if he is growing taller than all of us.

How did you all do at Christmas? I cleaned up babies! 20 bottle wine refrigerator, Steelers blanket, tea kettle, books, pajamas...very happy girl over here. The boys were thrilled with all of their stuff...but Owen is confused. If Santa brought him the Nintendo DS...then how did Aunt Jen know to buy him a DS game??? Oh boy. I told him it was a lucky guess on her part since that was the a-number-one item on his list...he seemed to go with that. This may be the last year for a believer in our house...so sad...

Are you done shopping???

I'm looking at YOU, Jimmer. Well? Have you finished? The Kev-head wrapped all my presents and put them under the tree last night...there's quite a lot of them! Very exciting! It's taking every ounce of Christmas spirit I can muster to not check the mastercard online to see where he's been shopping. It's.killing.me.

Were you naughty or nice this year? Give all the details...use all the bad words.

I think mostly I was nice. Wasn't I? I don't think I can call myself naughty - there were definitely times when I was NOT nice - but naughty? Hmmmmm...

naugh·ty
1. disobedient; mischievous (used esp. in speaking to or about children): Weren't we naughty not to eat our spinach?
2. improper, tasteless, indecorous, or indecent: a naughty word.
3. Obsolete. wicked; evil.

Disobedient? Huh. I guess it depends who you're asking. If you're asking me, I'd say no. If you ask the Kev-head - he'd probably say I've had my moments. HA!

Mischievous? Well, yeah...that sounds like me. "playfully annoying" - it's like Webster's met me! Some might say I'm just the annoying part - well then I wouldn't be mischievous and therefore not naughty. So there. It's that playful part that gets me in trouble! Damn my golden retriever ways! ( I took one of those DISC, SELF whatever personality studies once - it said I was most like a golden retriever...I've never gotten over it. Well, they do have great hair!)

Improper? Tasteless? Indecorous? Indecent? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes/No. Like I haven't been exposing myself or anything, but I have been vulgar, and maybe even rude....DEFINITELY vulgar. Shocking, I know.

Good thing that wicked and evil part are obsolete - I mean, I saw Wicked this year? Does that count? Okay, that was stupid. It's early...I've already eaten a plate of food that could feed a small third world country. I'm a little loopy this morning. But we get to leave at 3 today...hooray!

Anyway, I think given some review, I guess I have been naughty this year - just not in THAT way. Geez...pervs. I've been naughty by very definition. Can I just say I've been both naughty AND nice? Do they offset each other and make me neutral somehow? Or have I been nice enough to erase some of the naughty? Does my work with the church offset my vulgar (and perpetual) use of profanity? Does my work with the cub scouts offset my improperly loud belching around the house? Does my blog therapy offset the mischievous torturing of my children with Saturday morning disco music and never-ending teasing? (and it is MIS-che-vus, NOT mis-CHEE-vee-us, just so you know)

So I guess I haven't decided anything. Maybe I've been the perfect mix of naughty AND nice this year. Doesn't really matter - I still got presents! Chick-chick-boom! MRA3=DORK.

Festivus, part deux...

Now is the time for the "airing of grievances" against whom that I don't actually know.

Jude Law. Damn you! Damn you Jude Law for making me fall out of love with you for your wretched undertakings with the nanny. And then? Then you make me fall right back in love with you in The Holiday. I was over you! I was done. And now I'm right back on that crazy train called love.

Parents who won't shut their pie-holes at the Christmas Concert. You know, I get it. I'm a social creature by nature. So I'm really sorry that some of you only get out of your houses when there is an event at the school. This is not my problem. Meet your girlfriends for coffee. DO NOT sit there while I'm trying to *ahem* enjoy the Christmas carolings of our youth and review your entire pathetic lives. I swear I will go all WWE on your candy asses and grab those folding chairs and beat you down.

Man (or woman) in the green pick-up truck. Double yellow lines mean no passing. I'm really sorry that I wasn't driving fast enough for you through that NEIGHBORHOOD near a PARK when the school busses are out picking up children. I'm not sure what was so damn important that you had to pass me like you were on fire, but the karmic payback was that you ended up in front of me at the red light and then we followed a truck pulling a huge piece of construction equipment all the way up Merrillville Road. HA!

Christmas shoppers. You know what people...it happens on December 25th EVERY YEAR. You could, in fact, start EARLY. But no. You have to wait until the last damn minute and then rush around everywhere trying to pack it all in and make traffic on 30 complete hell. And then? Then you are in such a rush that you don't know what you're doing, so you make an illegal u-turn in front of the Meijer and cause a major accident stopping traffic for miles. Seriously. Get it together.

Jamba juice creators. You, you with your weeee beady eyes, putting chemicals in your juice that make me crave it fort-nightly! Damn you jamba juice!

Clothing manufacturers. Have you ever seen a real woman? Do you know how to make clothes fit a real woman? Do you know how to use fabrics that don't actually shrink two sizes after one washing?

Teenage girls of the world. You're young. And looking "older" doesn't require exposing skin and wearing too much make-up, despite what your publicity role models display. They will all eventually end up in rehab. Do you want to end up in rehab? Then keep flaunting those muffin tops in jeans that are far too small for you.

Phew...I feel even MORE betterer than I did yesterday! This festivus deal is kick ass! Whaddya got, bloggers??? Air those grievances...quick!

"A Festivus for the rest of us!"

And so, as is traditional with Festivus...it is time for
THE AIRING OF GRIEVANCES...

Now - for those of you that don't know the history of Festivus, get off my blog. Or, in the spirit of the holiday, you could go here and read all about it. For some of you, this may be hard to take, because I'm going to publicly air my grievances with you. Suck it up, Sally - here we go.

First let's define grievance so we're all clear:
a wrong considered as grounds for complaint, or something believed to cause distress
Good? Good.

Eileen. This one is very near and dear to my heart, so I'm going to purge it first. Quite simply, you're a Diet Pepsi drinker. Now I realize that you have a lot of other extremely redeeming qualities, and so you are still my BBFF.

Jbrave. You complain too much about my blog being too long and "I don't have time to read it." P-shaw. You're not MAKING time to read it! Get on the train, sistah! Sometimes I'm longwinded (sometimes? Okay, a lot...but still!) ... but it's still worth the read. Well usually. Sometimes not. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah, you must read the blog more regularly.

Tigger. You? You got yourself knocked up (okay, that didn't sound so good...I mean you are, after all, married and trying to conceive a wonderful spawn of love with the hubby)...but seriously? Just before the next "Keg Security" party??? Honestly...your redemption is that you will have this baby cooked by the time we'll want to be drinking on the porch. And while I'm at it...I'm airing the grievance of you being on maternity leave during the summer months while I'M AT WORK. Simply not cool. And the lurking? Has to stop.

Jimmer. Where the hell are you man? "My computer has a virus..." Wah. Wah wah wah. Blah blah blah wah-cakes. I mean, you were a GUEST BLOGGER and now...phhht. Nuthin. Get the shit fixed and get your ass out here. We miss your wit and ever so clever use of tags.

Sugar Snap Pea. Your general happiness is unnerving. You and your "I'm getting married" and your great deals on furniture. The nerve! And then to top it off you're all happy about not being in an office any more while the rest of us churn away like Dilbert want to kill "the pointy haired man." You know I love you, but I have to air this grievance. Phew! I'm feeling so much better!

Young Kathy. You're my work wife and you know I love you. BUT you're enabling of my bad behavior has to stop. I mean seriously, it's one addiction after another with you. First thai food...then Heavenly Ham...Rob Thomas...Ani DiFranco...OH YEAH - you totally got knocked up and burned me, too! There was that concert we were supposed to go to and be all militant and female...and then phhhhhht. Nuthin. Now there's Jamba Juice and ebay. You are single-handedly killing me.

Joy. This is a tough one...you are the mother of my best friend, so I find it difficult to yell at you. But I'm on a roll....so here goes...ummmmmm....huh...I got nuthin. So I guess THAT's my grievance. Yeah, I'm complaining that you give me nothing to complain about. so there.

Mega_joker. Two words. Spell check. Now I love you like you're my very own sister...wait, that's not a compliment. I love you like you're Julie's very own sister...but seriously?? Seriously. You are killing me.

My adorable loving husband, Kev-head. Your complaining about my use of swear words has to stop. I talk like a truck-driver. I blog like a truck-driver. I pick up lot lizards like a...wait...no I don't! Who am I kidding? But honey, I cuss. Get over it.

Carol. You live too far away and you're not coming for Christmas this year. I pout in your general direction.

Scottish. I have boobs. I talk about boobs. In general...boobs are a popular topic amongst most men and women...except you. You need to find your inner boob and learn to love to talk about it.

Lurkers of the world. Use your words!

Those who are not named. This means you're CLEARLY not commenting enough for me to have a grievance with you. Fix this immediately.

And so ends the airing of grievances. At least for me. Whaddya got? Bring it. I can take it.
And when that's done, we move on to the Feats of Strength, where the head of the house is wrestled to the floor and pinned. It's my blog. I'm the head of this nuthouse. Come and get me...if you dare....Bwah ha ha ha........

Schadenfreude...

Pronunciation: shahd-n-froi-duh
Definition: satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

This word was brought to my attention by a former co-worker, and having Julia and Tiffany with their love of the German language, I thought this was an appropriate word to bring to the blog. Especially at this time of year ...

Doesn't sound like the giving spirit? Well, suck it. Because you know as well as I do that people are NOT nice around the holidays. Everyone acts like they're the only people trying to decorate/prepare their house/make meals/buy gifts. The gridlock on 30 is proof that everyone feels like their agenda is the only one, so pardon me while I experience a great deal of schadenfreude at the guy who gets stopped by the longest red light after refusing to let people in...or the lady who cuts you off in the checkout line who gets her credit card denied. Good holiday fun, right there, people!

Oh c'mon - my karma is fine...they screwed me! Should I really be ashamed of myself for overly enjoying their karmic payback??? You've all done it - you've all seen someone get theirs. It's brilliant isn't it? And now we have a word to describe what we feel. Say it with me...schadenfreude, schadenfreude, schadenfreude...it's funny. It's like a big funny hat.

Redemption is also mine at the Kev-head - there's a store called "hot topic" in the mall - lots of cool t-shirts/goth-wear ...what-have-you. They have a t-shirt there that's yellow and just says "I *heart* Nachos." It's BRILLIANT. I so wanted to buy it for the boys, but Kevin poo-pooed me. Well, the boys and I stumbled into the mall on Sunday and guess what...they BOTH loved that shirt. HA! See Kev-head! So now I must go buy it for one of them. AND they're having a sale, buy one get one half off...I might just get myself the one that says "Will work for Tacos." But then my boss might get some freaky salary ideas.

Julie and I were completely outta control Saturday night as we closed down the Kohl's. That's right people - we were party ANIMALS! But we did see a great chick flick - The Holiday. Thanks for the recommendation, Eileen! Kathy joined us and the three of us girls thoroughly enjoyed a movie that would make our men want to light themselves on fire.

So give my your best schadenfreude ... dying to hear...

Can you really blame your son for being a ditz, when YOU'RE the cause?

Oh me oh my-o ... usually I'm here rambling about my youngest child ...but today, today I have things I simply MUST get off my chest about the oldest. Dear Lord. Now those of you that know him know him as the shy quiet type...doesn't say much...lurks about...and then crawls off to watch tv/read a book/play video games. But some of you have had the rare opportunity to actually interact with the child, and he is quite funny (see mooya's blog).

He's a very bright boy - he really is. Great story teller, loves to read, great memory when it comes to well, useless information. And this is where he is just.like.his.mother. That bitch. She can't remember a damn thing! Would lose her head if it wasn't attached. You can tell her something and 5 seconds later she will forget to do it. It's why the lazy sack relies on email. Oh sure! She can remember obsure lines from cult classic films...and she can tell you everything she's eaten for lunch in the past 3 months, and heaven forbid she forget the name of a good wine...NEVER! But ask her if she can remember to pick up dog food/cat food/toilet paper/something for dinner...not so much. Brilliant.

So Alex is just like me in this regard. Poor bastard. Never had a chance and never saw it coming. As you recall, fabulous NYC trip ended with Pittsburgh for Gram's 90th. And of course, being a family event, we had to bring the kids. And the kids had to be entertained. So they checked out library books. And actually read them! But when we go to pack up the car, Alex isn't sure where his book is...Kevin thinks he put it in the "entertainment bag." (which if we DIDN'T bring the kids conjures up all sorts of images...but since we DID...it's just a duffle bag full of video games, movies, books, etc. Dirty minded souls.) So we leave the Bentleyville Best Western and head for home.

Flash forward to Monday - when I was in my funk - remember that? Yeah, Alex picks THAT day, one week after we've been home to ask me if I ever found his library book. Ummmmm, what? It's been a week and you're just now asking? I assumed that when you didn't ask again after we left PA that you had found it. No. and it's due when? Wednesday. Brilliant. So I call the Best Western and sure enough, they've got it. Luckily my uncle drives all over delivering precriptions to the elderly and shut in, so he was able to pick it up. You don't ask until a WEEK later?

I wouldn't be telling you about this except...
Last night was Christmas shopping night. In order to save on driving and time, we didn't go home first - we made arrangements for Owen, grabbed Al and stayed up north. He went with us to a few stores, mostly we just told him not to be near us so he wouldn't see anything and we left it at that. Then he got bored so we dropped him at Barnes & Noble for some soda and a magazine. He's very happy with this plan. We leave him with money and a phone so he can contact us if need be.

We finish our shopping and we're heading back to B&N - Kevin first direct connects Alex on my phone. He's not answering. So I say - he probably doesn't know what to do with that - you should call him. So he does. No answer. Ummm, Al? By now we're approaching the B&N...as we drive by, I can see him in the windoww, sitting there, reading a magazine. Why aren't you answering the phone???

Kevin goes in and as soon as he hits the door he can hear the Nextel alert going off. As he gets closer to Alex, he confirms that yes it is, in fact, my phone in ALEX'S POCKET going off. Kevin says "Alex - why aren't you answering the phone? Can you not hear that?"

"Yeah, oh...that was me? I thought it was somebody else's phone"

OMG. It's been going off since we left the mall. Everyone in the place was probably ready to KILL him...and he doesn't even think to CHECK to see if it's the phone in his pocket making noise. Heaven help me.

There's another bonehead stunt that's recent, too, but I can't think of it right now. I'll let you know when I do.

Get the funk outta my face...

Okay, okay...funk's over. I feel better today. I think it was the holiday blues combined with my SAD. You have it, too, don't you? I mean have you looked outside? Dreary, overcast, drizzly...blaaaaaah. How's a girl supposed to pick up her attitude without a little sunshine? I deal with my seasonal affective disorder every year to some extent, but usually not this early. At least today it's not cold, so that helps. I actually thought about purchasing one of those sun lamps last year. I wonder if that really works? I mean, they say it works, but really? A lamp of sunshine rays to improve your mood? It sounds a bit Minority Report for me...but who knows. Can't you just see me sitting at my desk with those goofy tanning glasses on? Wouldn't that be fun? Maybe I should seriously consider this.

So I got to get really mad about the school board last night - that helped redirect some of my aggression away from the stupidity of my husband's family's method of handling Christmas this year...and then I came home, had some wine, watched the Bears...or tried to...but I fell asleep. Whoops. They were winning by quite a bit when I finally crashed. I guess Grossman looked good - but I still don't think they'll make it, kids.

I got mad, I had wine, I got sleep, I woke up this morning and picked up the house a bit since the lovely ladies that clean my house are at my house right now. YES! Now THERE's a spirit lifter! Oh stop it! Yes, I have people clean my house. Scottish is up there in Michigan talking about how borgeouis I am. Whatever! It takes two women 6 hours. SIX. That's a total of 12 hours. It's a big house! Have we talked about this before? Anyway...my house will be clean and Kev-head and I are going Christmas shopping tonight. I have a list of items and places to get them, so I think we're ready to go go go. Now we'll see if the holiday crowds and traffic can manage to suck the life out of me. I have at least one cocktail stop planned...so maybe we can get through. Maybe I should plan a 'to go' cocktail as well. Hmmmm, that could make it better. Or maybe it will just make me tired. Well we can't have that, I have things to do and right now I'm actually motivated to do it! We'll see how long it lasts. I've got decorating and cookies planned for tomorrow night, bowling on Thursday and the final decorating/cookie touches on Friday.

I've ordered my Christmas cards and I can pick them up from Costco tomorrow...brilliant! See? I'm on a roll...be proud of me. Remind me to tell you the story of the library book..it's no cookie story but it's pretty good.

Tis the season...

For shopping and whatnot. Well I guess I've been more involved with the whatnot...because my shopping has been non-existent. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was really gung-ho to get my outside lights up, but the inside of the house? Nuthin. I just have no energy for it. What is my problem? My get up and go has well...gone. I don't feel like shopping, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like listening to Christmas music. I don't feel like anything.

Huh. How are you guys with the holidays this year? Why am I so bummed?

I have a couple of presents...not many. I have a list a mile long. I guess one of the reasons I'm pissed off at Christmas is this: my husband's family. They can suck the life and intention out of things. Kev-head has 3 sisters. Two sisters have two kids, one has 3 kids and we have two kids. Ordinarily Christmas Eve at their house is a frenzy. Presents flying everywhere, wrapping paper everywhere and children crying everywhere. It's mayhem. But the food is good and I usually bring a good bottle of wine so whatever. But this year? This year everyone is broke for various reasons. I can't begin to go there because then words like "hillbilly" and "selfish" and "grow up" will come flying out of my mouth before I can stop them, and it will make me sound even more bah-hum-bug than I already do.

So this year they've lowered the acceptable dollar amount for all of the cousins. I am fine with this. BUT - they've also decided that it's too hard to ask for a list and then go out and find whatever it is that the nieces and nephews want...so I'm supposed to buy gifts for MY OWN KIDS from THEM. Yes, that's right. Three gifts for Alex, three gifts for Owen, WRAPPED, and listed as being from each of the aunt & uncle teams. Whodawa? Really? Seriously? Is this what Christmas is about????? I always hate giving money or whatever anyway, and I totally understand wanting to give the kids what they want. But doesn't this sound like a horrible idea? Just giving them stuff so they have something to open?

Anyway that left a bad taste in my mouth to start, and then I bought Kev-head the perfect gift only to find out that he already got himself the very same thing on clearance somewhere and I didn't know it because it was stuffed in a closet. Now I have to return what I have and it's a pain.

I just need some wine and some shopping, I guess. Maybe when I start crossing things off my list I'll feel better.

Midwest girls...are we really a rare breed?

So my new television addiction is the show "My Boys." What? You've never heard of it? Stop reading my blog. Go to tbs.com and watch all of the episodes....

Now.

I'm waiting...
well, you can watch them unless you're Julie...who's mad at me because I sent her an email quoting some fun stuff from the show and she can't watch it and blah-blah-blah...pitycakes.

Anyway, I got turned on to the show because one of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan, is on it. He's the "Beyond the Pale" "Hot Pockets" guy. Funny, funny stuff there folks. If you've never heard of HIM, google him. He's from Chesterton! How fun is that!

The show is basically about a girl who is a sports writer for one of the Chicago papers, so the whole thing is set in Chicago, which is also cool, since most shows are in NYC or LA or Miami or whatever. So she's a sports writer and all of her friends are guys...one is her brother...and she's basically this tomboy. It's got some great one-liners...I'm giving it a permanent place in my DVR line-up, though I can always just watch the eps online (yes, Julie...that was another stab at you).

It got me to thinking - I identify a lot with this girl. And I think a lot of my friends can also identify with her. She's very very midwest to me. Midwest girls are kick ass. We are no nonsense, we like our sports, we drink beer from the bottle or a can. I think we're pretty cool, don't you? My husband would say we all have "macho woman syndrome." Are we really different? Are these truly midwest traits? I know girly girls from the midwest, too, and some would argue that I'm kind of becoming one. But I'll still drop f*bombs like they're hot. Ironically I just got this email in my inbox as I was typing this...a Jeff Foxworthy tribute to Chicago. One of the lines is:
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in Chicago. Really? Women using jumper cables is a midwest/Chicago thing? Is that a slam on the vehicle we drive or the fact that the women know how to use jumper cables? Huh. I don't know. But either way, I know how to use them, do you? My dad wouldn't let me get my driver's license until I knew how to use jumper cables and how to change a tire. Just wouldn't let me.

And then THIS just happened in my office. We use this phone company, right...they do our inhouse wiring and whatnot...well they have a new kid...a new boy...a new boy that is, well, how should I put this delicately...eye candy. He's young...early twenties...and he comes in with one of those Simon Cowell super-tight t-shirts on, and lemme tell ya, it was fitting him well. Whatever. I'm old, I'm married. But the girls here? OMG - I saw them chittering in the hall and I said, "the eye candy is in the server room girls, but he'll be around" - the place went nuts. Girls were giggling EVERYWHERE. I couldn't believe it. I was walking around shushing them. One girl said "geez, you'd think we'd never seen a man before" - it was like that cartoon. A Maaaaa-aaan. *insert bulging eyes here* It was like a locker room of high school boys ogling a centerfold. It was embarrassing to say the least. Is that a trait of midwest girls? Openly ogling? I don't know...what do you think?

A little sleep goes a long way...

I was in my bed tucked in like a bug in a rug by 10pm last night. This.never.happens. Usually at 10pm I'm changing over laundry, putting stuff in the dishwasher, checking Owen's homework. But never...ever am I tucked into bed. Going on Pea's theory that I could be coming down with something after my jetsetter trip to NYC, I decided I should try and get some sleep. Kev-head was at some Ducks Unlimited dinner, the boys were in bed...the plan was brilliant. I think I actually fell asleep before 11 - Kev-head came home and almost burst my sleep bubble. Because, you see, I am my mother's daughter. In so many ways as we've discussed before...but this one is a killer. If I get to the point where I'm in that hazy, almost asleep not really awake point? Don't touch me, don't talk to me, don't look at me, hell...don't even THINK about me. Because if you do, and I wake all the way up? I'm done. No sleep for me. It's all over and a good night's rest is just a dream. HA! Get it? Just a dream?

Okay, so it wasn't THAT good. Anyway...

Luckily I wasn't quite on the bubble, so when Kevin came home, I could drift off fairly quickly. Plus I was determined. Plus I was exhausted, as we discussed yesterday.

I did wake up once - which is also strange for me. But I was all bundled up having been freezing all night long - and at 4 am - I was on fire. Now I know our digital thermometer thingy isn't set to blast heat at 4am, so I don't know what was going on, but I had to strip my sleepy socks and my sweater (yes, it's true, in the winter I sleep in a cardigan, I'm truly that cold. Kevin is a lucky, lucky man, I say)

Owen and I had this whole conversation about sleep last night...he said that night before last he woke up at 11pm and then again at 3am. And then last night (actually yesterday morning) he woke up at 6am and thought "oh great, I can sleep for 30 more minutes" - only that 30 minutes went by like *snap* that and Alex was shouting "Owen! Are you awake??? OWEN! WAKE UP!" and he felt like he didn't get 30 more minutes, he only got like 2 more minutes. So disappointing. So he asked me what the worst wake up I've ever had is...

Huh. That's a tough one. Thoughts of late nights drinking and having to get up for work came to mind, but I don't think that's an appropriate conversation for my 9 year old. So I said something about everytime I wake up 30 minutes before my alarm goes off being the worst wake up ever...and he agreed. Much healthier conversation for us.

What's your worst wake up story?

PS...check out Alex's blog - sometimes he's funny.

Oh for the love...

So it's the holiday season. Can we say ho-ho-hormones...not what you were thinking? Well then, too bad for you.

My trip was fantabulous, as I'm sure you've all read. But for some reason I cannot recover from this. I was no more or less busy than I usually am, just a different location. And instead of running kids here and there, cooking dinner and doing laundry, I was dashing all over Manhattan. But still no more or less busy than usual right? So why am I so friggin' exhausted?! Is it because I have so many pregnant friends? I'm vicariously exhausted for them? (And seriously, they're all having GIRLS!) I mean honestly, I could put my head on this desk right now and be out like a light and DROOLING within minutes...minutes I say! I get tired...everyone does...but this is beyond that. It's like a haze. What the shit is going on? Jet lag? I DROVE the last two legs of that journey and the time difference was only an HOUR. But I was reading up on jet lag, because everyone talks about it, but I didn't really know what it is and I found these interesting pieces of information:

Jet lag is: fatigue and disorientation (check); broken sleep (check); confusion/fuzziness (check); becoming uptight (CHECK); dehydration (check) and some other things that are involved with the actual flight process. I think I have delayed jet lag. DJL. That's me...that's what I have.

Causes of jet lag: Your pre-flight condition -
If you're over-tired, excited, stressed, nervous, or hungover before the flight, you are setting yourself up for a good dose of jet lag. How many times have you heard travelers say "Don't worry, I'll catch up on the flight"? Well you don't. The wise traveller who wants to get the most out of a trip has a good night's sleep prior to departure.

Ummmm, yeah - I had so much trip anxiety over this that I dreamt I missed my flight because I simply forgot to leave the office on time AND THEN my computer caught on fire. ON FIRE, people. Because THAT happens all the time! And the man who owns my company was of course, standing right there when it happened. Anxiety much? Yeah, I thought so.

And then I also read this:

Alcohol
The impact of alcohol on the body is 2-3 times more potent when you're flying. One glass of wine in-flight has the effect of 2-3 glasses on the ground. Add this to the other problems mentioned here, and you can get off the plane with a huge hangover that simply compounds the effects of jet lag.

Really? REALLY? One glass = 2-3 glasses?? Why did I not know this before? I really haven't flown all that often, and I'm not a big drinker when I do. Usually a beer while I'm waiting, maybe a beer in flight. I don't want to have to go to the bathroom. I was tramatized the first time I ever used an airplane bathroom so I try to avoid it if at all possible. But I know some people who get absolutely LOADED on the plane which means they are, in reality, super DUPER loaded. Who knew? Did you know this?

So I'm exhausted, and maybe I am jet lagged (is that a word?) because my head is a mess and I can't keep my eyes open (even after coffe and diet coke...isn't that SAD?) And now is the time when my hormones decide that it's time to change things up a bit. Are you kidding me? I don't need this now. I'm bloated, I'm crabby, I just might take a swing at you if you look at me funny. I'm snippy, I'm bitchy and I don't even really want to be around me, so you might not want to, either. I completely understand. You know what I need? Bowling night. That's the ticket. So maybe I don't have DJL, maybe I'm just a hormonal bitch. That's entirely possible I guess, seeing as I'm producing enough estrogen these days for the entire northern hemisphere. Do they sell testosterone in a pill form? Maybe that's what I need. Or maybe I just need sleep. Hard to tell. In the meantime this little treasure was emailed to me at just the right time. If you're wondering how to deal with me this week? Stick with the ultra safe option. Works every time.

Everything was FINE when I was in Manhattan...

It all fell to shit after that. I knew I should have stayed in NYC...what was I thinking??

So I try to catch a cab to get to Newark airport...no one will take me. I didn't really understand why. Until the 3rd cabbie comes along...he says he'll go, but the flat rate is $75. I ask him why it's so much more than the flat rate to LGA or JFK...he says it's because they can't pick up people in Newark, they're not licensed for that. They can only pick up people in NYC. Whatever...I have a flight to catch!

We're off and running and traffic isn't bad and I got to drive through NoHo - MUST make it there the next time I'm in NYC. I really wanted to go this time, but there were just too many other things I wanted to do. When the ya-ya-s go to NYC, we're definitely going to NoHo....

I get to Newark in plenty of time for my flight, hit the Continental line, make it up there in a relatively short period of time, put my credit card in the kiosk and ... "I'm sorry, you have no flights scheduled with us at this time." Ummmm, what? So I ask the nice gentleman behind the counter to look into this...my flight has been canceled. CANCELED? Whodawa? "Something in Pittsburgh" he says...it's been rescheduled for 6:25am Friday. Okay, WHAT? There are no other flights leaving for Pittsburgh from Newark tonight. They've all been canceled. OMG. What you don't know is that Kev-head and the boys are circling Pittsburgh airport looking for a hotel so they can pick me up. Now I'm not coming. Oy.

I call the office trying to figure out what to do...Phil is looking up the different hotels around Newark for me...at first he reads the description of a Sheraton and says "they say they have a great wine list, you are SO there...but then suggests I rent a car. According to mapquest it's only 5.5 hours to drive it. And if the weather truly is the reason they canceled my flight, and there's worse weather on the way, I don't want to be stuck here tomorrow. I'm outta here babies!!

I rent a car with GPS - super cool. Actually I had no idea I was getting that...it was just there...so I programmed my desination...it's really brilliant. I've seen the commercials with the fancy cars that include it and thought "who would ever need that???" Ummm, yeah, the answer is me, right now, trying to get from Jersey to PA.

Natasha! I drove by Harrisburg and thought of you and your jewelry - aren't you having some sort of a show this weekend in PA?? I hope it goes well.

The drive went by quickly actually...everyone was calling me and entertaining me. Julie and I were on the phone for hours of the trip, she was paying bills and I was driving. The fun part of the drive? The tunnels. The highways are cut in under the mountains and you drive through these tunnels that are miles long. I didn't really know when they were coming and all of a sudden there's a sign "Remove your sunglasses" and then one that says "Turn on headlights" and I'm thinking...damn bossy highway....what the shit do they care about my suglasses or my headlights?? And then I come around a corner and BAM! tunnel. And BAM! I lose Jul.

I pull in to the Bentleyville Best Western at about 12:30...the kids are waiting up for me when I get here...we chat it up I give them some little presents I got them. And aaaaaaaaaggghhhhhh I can't get to sleep. I toss and I turn and I toss and I turn and well, you get it, right? I have no idea what time I finally fall asleep but it's late. And when I wake up in the morning I find that the closest Hertz return location is the friggin' Pittsburgh Airport! Gotta love SWestern PA...void of anything people might actually need. But okay...it's not so bad. We go over to Carol's and visit and eat lunch and off to the airport.

When we get back from dropping off the car, mom and Carol have brought Grandma back with them, so we get to visit some with grandma - who is 90. And will not stop telling you that she's 90, and how cool that makes her. She's hilarious about it actually. Good for you gram!

And when we get back to the hotel to let the boys swim and get ready to go have pizza with my cousins? No power. Well not none...almost none. No elevators, no lights in most of the hotel, front door propped open. Killing me. The manager says that some rooms have power and that basically we have to go upstairs and check and if we don't have power they'll move us to one that does. Well, you guessed it, ours doesn't. The good news? We're only moving across the hall, so at least that part was easy.

So...since I left Manhattan - expensive cab fare, canceled flight, 5.5 hour drive, no place close to return rental car, power loss due to wind in hotel. Why oh why did I leave NYC??? KILLING ME.

But so far the visiting has been good. We've got a great dinner planned for tonight for Grandma's birthday celebration...lots of relatives and food. Hoorah! Hopefully the restaurant will have a decent wine selection.

Hopefully the rest of the trip will be uneventful. The bad weather isn't here yet...it's just cold. It was 55 degrees when I woke up yesterday, but last night it was 32. This morning it's freezing as well, hopefully we don't get the snow and we can get out of here tomorrow. We'll see! What are you guys doing?