The cat story

The writer of "The Duck Story", "The Chicken Story" and "The Rooster Story" are proud to bring you...

The cat story.
It's a little long, but the payoff is worth it...at least I think so.
*Warning: reading this story may cause sudden outbursts of laughter, giggling, snorting and shooting of soda or other beverages through your nose. Ramblings of a 30something is not responsible for any damage to any clothing for any beverage incidences that may occur.

I have a grandma. She is 91 years old. She lives at home with my two uncles, both of whom are mostly worthless as caregivers, causing my one aunt to provide most of the care (making sure meds are taken, changing of sheets, washing of clothes) - this aunt is the famous Carol of this blog. Everyone say HI CAROL and Happy Birthday! (Her birthday was actually on Monday and I've been too busy to blog about it...so Happy BELATED Birthday Carol!!!)

My 91-year-old grandmother has 2 cats...one named Cricket...and the other is named...well...not cricket. I have no idea. Cat #2. Whatevs, unimportant. The focus of this story is Cricket.

So Cricket is not 91, but is an old cat, and in the past couple of weeks has taken to peeing in my grandmother's bed. And not just anytime, usually when she's sleeping WITH my grandmother, meaning whenever the cat pees in the bed, my poor grandmother gets soaked with cat urine. Um, EW. I can hear you ew-ing. So after a few days of this, one of my uncles finally got his wits about him to help out so Carol didn't have to drive over there every day. He was changing the sheets, every day, and washing the mattress pad every day and washing my grandmother's nightgowns and robes and whatnot, every day...yeah, this was getting old quick. So my uncle and Carol decide that maybe it's time the cat was put to sleep...but how to tell grandma?? She didn't do so well when her very elderly dog took ill and had to be put down. It was very upsetting for her.

BUT - I guess Grandma was also getting tired of the cat pee situation and told Carol and Eddie that maybe it was time to put the cat to sleep. Hallelujah! One hurdle down.

But then Gram talks to my other aunt...and this aunt? She's a real piece of work. When she catches wind of the potential euthanasia of Cricket, she calls Carol and lights up on her. Screaming about cruelty to animals and how Gram would be so upset...threatens to CALL THE POLICE. She calls two different vets where she thinks Eddie might take the cat to have it put to sleep to WARN them and to tell them that my Gram, under no circumstances, wants this cat put to sleep.

Whodawa? Your 91-year-old mother is sleeping in cat pee for who knows how long every night, because there's no way of telling when the little bugger is actually committing the peeing fiasco...and you're concerned about THE CAT??? Come and take it back to your house then if you don't mind the pee.

So Eddie takes the cat to the vet to have it put on antibiotics for a potential urinary tract infection/bladder problem, maybe that's causing the problem. The vet was not hopeful. After several more days of cat pee drama, Eddie determines that the elderly, bladder challenged, probably dying cat who is not responding to the antibiotics in the time the vet said she should, should in fact, be put to sleep. The vet agrees, but my aunt does not, and has convinced my grandmother of the same.

My mother, the Janet, catches wind of this the other day and is, rightfully so, furious. The thought of her mother sleeping in cat pee day after day is very upsetting. She tells Carol that if that cat is not dead by the weekend she will fly out there herself to drive it to the vet.

OH MY. She was serious on that one, people...TRUST ME.

Eddie finally takes the cat out of the house while gram is napping, finds a vet my aunt hasn't called, and has the cat put to sleep. Carol is freaking out..."what are we going to tell mom?" They devise a plan where Eddie will tell my Gram that the cat must have wandered off to die, as cats and all animals who are sick, will often do. The plan, the lie, is formed. The Janet is informed. The deed is done.

But somewhere between driving to the vet and having the cat put to sleep, Eddie formulates a new plan, a better plan.

He brings the dead cat BACK TO THE HOUSE, lays it at the foot of my grandmother's bed, wakes my grandmother up declaring "Mom, Cricket's not moving, I think she might have died!"

OH MY GOD.

My grandmother is concerned and then relieved..."poor Cricket, who knows when she could have died...she was laying right there this morning, maybe she died during the night! she must have been really sick"

Yes, Gram - that's right...she died during the night. Yes, Gram, she was really sick. After a proper burial, and my grandmother and aunt properly satiated with the news of Cricket's completely natural death....the cat pee is no more. Cricket is no longer suffering with whatever kidney ailment elderly cats get, and my grandmother is no longer laying in cat pee.

Carol, Eddie, the Janet and I are all waiting for my loony aunt to call for an autopsy. Good luck getting that exhumation order.

Sunday, Monday, Happy Days...

Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days...
That show was the end all be all for me. It just was. I SOOOOO wanted to be one of those swoony girls in a poodle skirt slow dancing with...The Fonz. Would I come if he snapped? You betcha. So here I am...all these years later and STILL completely startstruck and in love with Henry Winkler...

OH YEAH, babies...that's me and the Fonz on Friday night at the Chicago World of Wheels. And yeah, the Fonz, told me I was really beautiful. Not just beautiful, REALLY beautiful. And then after my husband took the picture, he shook his hand and he told the hubby that he has fantastic taste in women. *blush* Seriously - the FONZ, people. My family sooooooo didn't realize the magnitude of this. For a girl my age, back in the day, this man was (and I guess still is) the shit - so now, I guess, I can officially die happy. The Fonz might actually have had me as one of his girlfriends...how completely affirming. And for those of you who think this little rant is silly? Bite me. You're probably a guy, so you don't get it, because I know all of the girls out there totally do. And Henry - if you have internet spiders out there looking for your name and you stumble onto this, you made my year - and if you can download this pic and sign it "I would have made out with you by the jukebox at Al's", that would be fantastic.

Because you guys -- wait for it -- he hugged me goodbye, and when he did, he kissed my cheek. I totally got a kiss from "the man".

And I'm really beating myself up because I had my flip in my coat pocket and should have had one of the kids filming the whole exchange while my husband was taking the photo and didn't. Bummer.

Anson Williams (Potsie) was also there and I thought he looked fabulous! Erin Moran (Joanie) was there, too...

Oh, yeah, and there were cars and motorcycles...I guess. HA!

Cheer up sleepy teen...

So...Alex is 15. And every day he falls asleep in the car. EVERY DAY. And I know teens are naturally sleepy, and I know he's not getting nearly enough sleep. Yesterday on the way home he announced that he doesn't have any homework, and wanted to know if he could "take a nap" when he got home. Ummmm, sure.

Yeah, he woke up this morning. 13 hours the child slept. oy! He says he feels fine, no headache, no throat problems, no stomach ache. So we all know what this means, right? Yeah, I'll be buying him new pants. Seriously, if that kids inseam goes up again I'm going to light myself on fire. He's grown 2 inches or more since March. I thought I had him set for jeans and uniform pants, but now I'm worried that he's going to look like Urkel.

AND - I totally busted him this morning committing the sin of all fashion sins. He's got gym this semester. So instead of wearing black socks with his navy pants and his black dress shoes like he's done all year, he's wearing WHITE socks. And not just any white socks, white ANKLE socks. In the freezing damn cold. Oh for the love. Have I taught him nothing?? No. Noooooooooooooooo. He said it's because of gym - so he doesn't have to change his socks before and after gym. But you're changing your shirt and your shorts already, right? And your shoes, right? So you're telling me it's THAT much harder to also change your socks that you are willing to look like a total tool with white shorty socks and black shoes all day?? No. I forbid it. I told him so. NO. I disallow it. NO. NO. I finally, FINALLY got Kevin to stop doing it, and now my 15-year-old starts. NO. He says other kids do it. NO. I cannot budge on this one.

The early morning confusion bandit strikes again...

This kind of stuff never stops being funny for me. I've personally never done this *knock on wood*, but I totally could, since I HAVE worn my shirt inside out, worn my underwear inside out, worn two different socks and forgotten countless items.

JRo is a lurker on the blog and a co-worker...the peeps here at the office almost didn't notice this:
To her credit - she did snap this handy dandy photo with her camera phone and send it to me. God love 'er. It wasn't even a Monday, but it sure did feel like one.

I fried some chicken last night, and I swear I still smell like the deep fryer. Usually I'll fry the chicken in a pan on the stove, but when I picked up the breading mix from the store, it had instructions for the deep fryer. What the heck - I'll give it a try. I'll mark it up to a success. The kids seemed to like it...I could only do 4 legs at a time, but it was still worth it. mmmmmm, chicken.

I also managed to down an entire bottle of pinot by myself. Ummmm, whoops. I didn't even realize I was doing it until I was pouring the last little bit into my glass and I thought - now where did the rest of it go?? Needless to say I slept well last night! :)

Since the writers continue to strike and there's nothing good on television, the Crums played a game last night: Sequence. We're officially addicted. We've had it here at work for awhile in the lunchroom, and now Alex got it from Grandma for Christmas and we're hooked. I highly recommend it!

And PS - everyone should officially hate Sugar Snap Pea as she sits in JAMAICA right now drinking some fruity drink and getting tan and we freeze our asses off. Damn you, Pea!!

Really? Are they getting paid for this?

So Alex and I were hanging out in the basement watching anything "not wrestling." Originally we were going to watch "This is Spinal Tap" - but I was too sleepy and wanted to finish watching "Intervention." Yeah, I know...shut up.

After intervention - the show "Paranormal State" came on. Have you seen this hot mess? Seriously. SERIOUSLY. I mean I'm not mocking the paranormal, I'm not (do you hear me ghosts and spirits and demon-like creatures...if you can surf the net, I'm not mocking you) - but this show. For the love. It's so drama-ridden...and there's this big build up...because these spirits are really 'bad' and can HURT YOU. They all end the same way... the homeowners have some sort of 'ceremony' at 'dead time' (3 am, in case you were wondering) and tell the spirit, soul, demon, to "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU'RE NOT WELCOME HERE" and poof! All is well. Whoever was sick? Feeling better. Whatever noises you heard? All gone. Whatever fears you have? Relieved.

Are they paying this group for this??? Who's worse, the people filming it or me for watching it. It's a toss up.

And after that hour of my life I'm never getting back, they had a special on called "Psychic Children, their Sixth Sense." Psychic stuff, yes - I think people can see things, and hear things and whatever - John Edwards? no. but other people, yes. But this one little girl...her ability? Yeah, she can talk to trees. Whodawa? Now who in the hell is going to dispute that? They showed her walking through a forest and she touches a tree and says "Cows used to graze here, this tree provided shade." Really? The tree told you that? Great. THAT'S your gift? Who can challenge her? Another tree whisperer? Well when that tree talked to ME it said it used to dance the funky chicken back in the day and drop acorns on indians. PROVE ME WRONG!! She also gets very emotional and depressed when things happen in nature, like Hurricane Katrina and the tsunami. Noooooo...really? I bet a lot of people got depressed watching the Katrina coverage. I know I did. I don't think I'm a nature psychic because of it.

I am actually dumber for having watched this stuff. Alex and I got a big kick out of it. I'm now "the couch whisperer"...I told him that the couch told me that it's tired of my boys farting on it all of the time. It's feelings are getting hurt, so please stop...especially when mom's in the room.

I've been busy, have you noticed?

Seriously, honey, what's all this? What's happening here?

I've had some pretty funny things to say lately...and........now they're all gone from my brain. You'll all be happy to know that the church board I sit on isn't all old men anymore. With this last election, I am now president, my financial director is a very nice woman, the records director is a PASTOR, and the other member is older than me - but I wouldn't call him old. Now this I can work with. We had our first meeting on Saturday morning and I think it will be a good group.

I took Alex to Mville with some friends on Saturday night for his birthday. They did the typical teenager stuff - mall, pizza, movies. We made sure we were elsewhere. Alex seemed to have a good time. Other than the fact that since he goes to a private school the kids are scattered. I had to leave my house 1.5 hours early to pick everyone up. UGH. But, he'll be driving soon, so I'm fine with being the chauffer every now and again so he can have a social life with his friends.

Owen took the plunge, shaved the fro. I didn't know it was going to happen when it did so I don't have good before/after pics. He got paid and under armor was purchased. He's thrilled.

We finally have ICE! At long last this midwest chill has frozen our pond. The kids were out skating for a good 3 hours in the cold on Saturday morning.

Good weekend overall - except Green Bay lost. Boooooooo. The NYG are in the SUPERBOWL?? Further proof that the NFC is worthless.

And, for my far away friends...I love this picture. Jimmer gave me the big whatever on it, but I say whatever to YOU Jimmer!

The writer's strike sucks and other obvious tidbits...

When I heard the writers were going to strike I thought "This sucks."

And now that there is truly no new/different/funny television out there because of the writers strike I've confirmed that "This sucks." I mean, reality TV was already threatening to take over and now HAS, in fact, taken over as the only "unscripted" (and I use that term VERY loosely) shows on television and therefore not needing any writers. Not to mention most of them are filmed months in advance, and probably were done before the strike.

Anyway, I digress. Reality TV sucks (except for Idol, which starts this week, and I'm so excited I can hardly STAND it).

What I wasn't expecting from the writer's strike? For them to ruin my award show season. MY AWARD SHOW SEASON, PEOPLE! I am a red carpet junkie...remember, I came out of the closet last year?!? I require my red carpet and my overly processed Hollywood types and several phone calls to my mother and my sister-in-law praising or bashing what we see. I require foo-foo cocktails for such viewings and for my family to leave.me.alone.period. The Golden Globes were last night. GOLDEN GLOBES. This is like the mother ship for people like me and they didn't even HAVE a red carpet because NO ONE CAME. No one. Well, unless you count Nancy O'Dell. Not. They called them off, and the awards were handed out by entertainment reporters to NO ONE. Whodowa??? This chips away at the very core of who I am. No best and worst dressed list the next day on E!??? No horrible red carpet banter from the Rivers duo?

WHAT??

Now this shit has gotten to me. It's bad enough that I'm stuck with no Grey's, no Brothers and Sisters, no Chuck, no Life...but, but...I almost can't speak.

Give them what they want already you overpaid buffoons so I can at least have my Oscars and salvage SOMETHING from this award season. It's the 50th anniversary of the Grammy's for fuck's sake. Let's go.

If you're looking for something interesting to read - Eileen posted out on a blog about the writer's blog "Why We Write", where very famous writers and producers share why they started and continue writing the shows you probably love. Some of them are lame and preachy, but some of it is very, very good. Take a peek: Why We Write

Oh, and the Colts suck. Peyton is good, guys, but he still needs an OFFENSIVE LINE and I don't know, maybe a DEFENSE that can stop a SECOND STRING DAMN QUARTERBACK in the fucking PLAYOFFS from marching the ball down the field and scoring a touchdown. Ya think? At least the other Manning had a team that looked like they wanted to win and did. All I have to say to that is Go Green Bay! (And I still hate the Pats, how they play so horribly every 1st half and then win is beyond me. I think they do it on purpose just to screw with me)

And last, my kid rocks. Played the drums with Pistol Pete at the Blues Jam yesterday and I got some great pics from Mary Hampton. When she posts them on her website I'll let you know. But I still can't find anyone to give him a decent haircut. Oy. (*ETA: she posted them, I was just too dumb to find them - click on the "I'll let you know" link...for specific pics of me, go to about page 20 and then again starting on page 26 of the thumbnails.)

Something cool I just found on Picasa: the highlights from last Sunday from Mary:

It takes two to make a thing go right....

It takes two to make it outta sight...
Hit it...

(If you can finish that song lyric, I love you like I would marry you)

I just read an old blog post on a stranger-friend's blog, and he was venting about how his son doesn't really like to read, and my friend is an avid book junkie.

I have two boys. Two very different, wonderful boys. Both smart, both funny, both considerate, polite, devilishly handsome (biased) young men.

One reads...the other...well, notsomuch. I mean, he can read...he will read...but he doesn't thirst for it. Doesn't hunger for it. Doesn't put a book down and want to talk about it, or read more by that author or laugh out loud while he's reading. That's just my Owen.

Alex on the other hand? Insatiable. My stranger-friend blamed the video-game, movie-driven society in which we live. But Alex grew up in the Playstation era - and still, he reads. And reads. And reads. I gave him "Lord of the Flies" at Owen's age. I couldn't imagine Owen reading that right now. I started Alex on all the classics at Owen's age...he devoured them. Animal Farm, 1984, Brave New World, Call of the Wild, Treasure Island, Count of Monte Cristo, Of Mice and Men. Things most kids don't ever read voluntarily and certainly not until high school. But I was running out of "chapter books" and they were clearly beneath him. So onward we went into the novels I loved in my teens.

But what I've come to learn, what I've come to love...are those differences. Owen is my athlete. He loves sports, all sports. Loves watching them, talking about them, projecting them. He loves checking the stats, knowing the stats, comparing the stats. He loves cars. Being able to recognize cars on the road, talking about which year made the best model of a particular car. He's my more outgoing one, my compassionate one. Alex is my reserved one. My reader. My thinker. My quick-wit...he would no sooner watch sports than light himself on fire. He'll finish a book as soon as humanly possible because he craves the ending. He likes knowing technical details about everything. He likes watching the same movie over and over and over to pick up the one-liners and use them in every day life. He's my musician, a lover of all sorts of music.

It's brilliant! Because I love all of these things, too!! I love watching sports! I love talking about sports. If I wasn't half deformed and had any coordination I would love to play sports! I love cars! I used to spend my time with my friend John Steffen talking about cars to an exhausting extent. I love to read! I love talking about books. And I do love watching movies over and over again to pick up the one-liners and use them in every day life. I love music. Love to listen to it, sing it, feel it, play it, see it.

In short I just feel fortunate to have my two very different boys to share so many of my different passions with. And the one they share is the most important of all! They love food!!! I can take them anywhere and they will try anything! They love it when the house smells of vegetable soup stewing away in the crock pot or a good pot of sauce on the stove.

So in the beginning of the new year - I say, celebrate your differences!! Celebrate the differences in the people you love! Every different person you have in your life brings something new to your table...and isn't it wonderful??

Sorry folks..

That there have been no new updates. My job is kicking my ass.

Quick update:
Yes, the Steelers lost. I was sad. Actually, I'm still not over it. I didn't think they'd win without Willie Parker and a couple of other injured peeps. If only they hadn't rallied...I actually got hopeful. But alas, NE is next up for the Jags, and they will have their asses handed to them appropriately. The only team with a shot of taking out the Pats is Indy, otherwise it's going to be a NE/Green Bay/Dallas superbowl. I'm unwilling to commit to the NFC bid just yet...I'd love it if Green Bay went.

On a more tumultuous note - no good deed goes unpunished. I hate it when the managing partner/owner here at the firm says it - but ultimately he's right. Almost always. Which I also hate. He drags me out of my rose colored glasses world of believing the best out of people. He shares this quality with my husband. They both say mean things about people and I always defend those idiots and tell them that they're being too cynical. And in the end, they both end up being right and I hate it. I refuse to let my faith in the goodness of humanity be thwarted, however...and so I trudge on. I realize you guys have NO idea what I'm talking about. I'm just venting....

Blues jam is back on, kids - Sundays 4-8. Well, let's be realistic...5-9. It's getting better all the time and the food is still AWESOME. Get there.

Julie - I miss you.

My girlfriend Jen is pregnant. YAY Jen! June baby...can't wait. She won't tell me if it's a boy or a girl, though. Grrrrrr.

My to do list is getting longer here at work and I'm exhausted. Oy. I feel like there are things I'm forgetting which is NOT GOOD when you are solely responsible for the updating and security of your network for a firm protecting personal data for too many people to think about.

The tone of this email isn't really uplifting, is it. Sorry guys and dolls -
When all else fails, celebrate!

2008! 2008! 2008!

Seriously? 2008?? OMG.

Here's what you missed at the end of 2007:

Bowling night Thursday, 12/20: I had the shot at the $187 strike pot. It looked so pretty going down the lane - right in the pocket - a hush LITERALLY fell over the crowd...aaaaaaand...nuthin. 8. I got 8. I wouldn't care so much if a certain c u next tuesday didn't end up winning MY money. There aren't many people in that bowling alley I don't like. She's one of them. Bitch.

Waterpark weekend - a blast. A total blast. But girls, I'm here to tell ya, they didn't make 18 year old boys like that when I was an 18 year old girl. What is going on? Where are they growing these factory made 6-pack stomach, arm&hammer arms...whodawa?? Ummmm, mercy...mercy me. Am I too young to become a dirty old woman?

Christmas - busy - fun - a good time was had by all. LOVE the Wii. If you haven't bowled on the Wii, you must. It's a total blast. Even my dad bowled using his walker. We laughed and laughed. I got a locket with my boys pictures in it. I've never had a locket before. Love it.

Day after Christmas - Chicago - Shedd Aquarium - ice skating in Millenium Park. I love the city.

Thursday, 12/27 - Alex turns 15. I have to work, even though I was 'on vacation' - new copiers delivered - total drama. Late, everything was late...I still made my hair appt. Best hair of my entire life...again...I don't know how she does it. Love Liz. Bowling was...well, bowling. My Roselawn wife Linda? Kicked it in the ass. 212 first game, 222 third game. Brilliant.

Friday night - Howl at the Moon in Chicago with my college roommate & company. Good times - Chicago H@tM not as much fun as Indy H@tM...they did too many slow songs and didn't get the crowd into it as much. Still had fun and got to catch up with my gal pal, her hubby, brother and his wife. Bitch hasn't aged a DAY since our first day of freshman year. I love her - but still secretly hate her as she has always been one of the most beautiful people inside and out that I have ever known. And she teaches high school boys. (and girls) They must LOVE her.

Saturday night - gig at Blues Island. All I have to say is this:

I didn't bring that boa, but I soooooo wanted to steal it when the night was done. Something about singin the blues with feathers on - made me very happy. Game on. Lordy is quick on the draw - official pics at Chicago Blues Beat...

Sunday was football and more football. Monday was party preparation.
NYE found us ringing in the new year with our Roselawn Crew. The kids ruled the roost. One broken pool cue...whoops. Boys played poker in the garage and smoked cigars. Girls played....wait for it....SPOONS in the dining room. What a hoot. My drunk ass hubby on a four wheeler plowing not just our driveway, but the entire street so people could get home. I should have stopped after one glass of champagne - that stuff is not good for your hangover the next day.

Yesterday was a lazy day of leftovers and football and whatever movie we could catch on the movie channels.

And now, here I sit...back to work. That's my vacation in a nutshell kids....what did you do over the holidays? Eat too much? check. Drink too much? check. Stay up too late and sleep in when you could so that your biological clock is all screwed up when you have to go back to work? check.

Resolutions forthcoming - welcome 2008!