Or Dear Ramblers....
Take your pick, either way, I have had a plea from one of our avid readers for a post about the high price of gas.
Not gasoline, mind you. GAS. As in bodily functions. As in the SBD, Panty Burps, Trouser Coughs, Anal Audio...you all get the picture. It can cost you a lot, if you're dating someone new. So from this blogger, who shall remain nameless...I bring you this email excerpt...
First and foremost, everyone knows that men have more gas than women. Check that, everyone knows that men do not treat their gas the same way women do. Quantity is not an issue here. You women have the ability to pass gas without a sole hearing it. I mean, the hearing test lady can’t even hear it with all of her equipment. But I digress. My question is, does a woman with whom you are in the beginning stages of a relationship (one month) expect us men not to let a single squeak out for “x” number of days since the inception of the relationship, or am I making more out of this than I should. To be clear, I’m not talking about the basketball court clearing, eye watering, dog running off kind of fart. I’m talking about your average fart that may have a slight stink but doesn’t last very long and usually has a bigger bark (if you will) than bite. I am not talking about farts that I would plant on my brothers’, sisters’, nephews’, nieces’, friends’ or even a few coworkers’ heads that could potentially cause blindness and loss of taste for a week. Furthermore, I’m not talking about beer farts or something that may sound wet. These little buddies are in a class all by themselves… (I guess I’m a connoisseur.)
So I'm asking you - the men and women of my blogosphere to weigh in on the dating/farting allowance period.
25 comments:
Can't he excuse himself and go to a restroom and let-er-rip? I personally don't like to hear them, much less smell them, any where. But, I'm old fashion.
Here's the deal Jim-
It's almost like a test. If you can fart infront of her then there is really something special between you two. She has to understand that it is natural. I don't think you should shake your leg as you fart because that is just gross. If you can try to make the first one around her little to break her in that is the way to go. You never know she may be holding her gas back too. You guys may start a travling fart fest.
My question is, how do you know what it is going to smell like prior to letting it rip??? I would personally like to know the answer because, more than a few times I thought I would be coy and let a little squeeker out, and my God you could have killed a maggot with the oder, you know sbd, silent but deadly. SO PLEASE, I am begging you, how can I tell before release, what the fragrance will be??????
P.S. I think I will eat lunch neked today
Oh and to answer the question, somewhat. Some PEOPLE cannot stand the idea of body sounds and smells, even their own, let alone someone elses, and some PEOPLE will keep right up with you and laugh their ass off. So, the real question is, what kind of person are you with? I would suggest keeping the toots under as much raps as possible, that is just manners, and if one or two slip out within ear/nose/throat shot and that PERSON reacts as if you just pooped your pants, you may want to rethink the whole thing.
I think timing is everything in this situation. You want to let it rip when she's still thinking "Oh, everything you do is so adorable" and not when she's thinking "For God's sake, what's wrong with you?". I think a month seems like a reasonable amount of time to let a small one fly. And I stress the word small. From your description, I get the impression you could clear a small country with some of those you've got stored up. That's something special right there.
You really need to see how she's gonna handle it to see if this relationship has any gas.
Oh, that was funny.
Seriously? You're all KILLING me..."see if this relationship has any gas" BRILLIANT.
And Pea - I'm concerned that the subject of gas has driven you into nude blogging.
Hmmmmmm...
Wow, this guy really needs some help...
Off to an appointment. More after 2:30pm...
Well, as my sister has so pointed out this question did come from me. This was just something that was on my mind and it's not like I have a cronic gas issue but I was curious.
From here on out I am not responsible for what you read!
To my Dearest Mother: I have used the bathroom technique. The only problem is that the walls in my apartment and at her place are basically paper thin. Also, I'm worried about bringing the green fog back with me if it's a bad one. I mean, what am I supposed to do, camp out in the bathroom until it's gone or walk back smelling like a burnt match? Although, I guess I could just blame in on the dog, right Mom? Barker, shame on you.
Anyhow, to address The Pea. This is not something that everyone know's how to do. It is more of a learned talent. A lot of it has to do with learning how your body reacts to the many different things you ingest. However, a hot fart will always stink, usually bad. If you've never had a hot fart, you're lucky. So, my only advice Pea, is that you start to carry a journal. Use the journal to keep track of every and all farts and what you ingested that may or may not have caused them. Before long you will be able to pitch the journal as you will know exactly what sort of response your body will have prior to said response. Make sense?
Kathy, you make a lot of sense. I mean, I guess I knew this and just had to have it pointed out to me. I mean, I am not going to "Release the Hounds" while we are having a deep conversation. That's when I'll leave the room. :) I don't know if I could clear a small country but I probably could put a decent dent in Rhode Island. Nice gas joke by the way.
And Megan, sweet little innocent Mega_Joker. You will know the day that I shake my leg in front of a g/f to fart. Why you ask? Because I will be shaking my leg on top of your head while using her for as a distraction to you. How do you like them apples?
And please, Jim, never, ever do the whispy thing with your hand to enjoy the aroma. You must get it from your father 'cause he use to fart big ones in bed and then pull the covers over my head so I couldn't get away! Don't miss that!
Thank you for sharing that one with the Blogittes...
Come on, like everyone else hasn't done that once?
Seriously, if you haven't shaken your leg violently during a fart, it's a must. The result is hysterical.
And just in case someone is thinking this, no, I will not try and light them in front of her either...
Pea, you still NEKED?
No, I had to get dressed to go get my journal, I am making entries now!!!!
I am SO EXCITED
Pea, if you could explain to me how you women are able to hold the gas the entire time, I would be EXCITED!
My sister and I once cleared an entire mall. We had eaten at Benihana and it just didn't agree with either of us. Groups of people were running away from us...we laughed and laughed.
Just wanted to add my own gas story....
Kathy, I just cannot picture it...I AM SOOOOO PROUD.
Jimmer, I am sad to hear that information would EXCITE you, but here goes. When gas is held, it is quite painful and at the very least uncomfortable, yet some chose to do it rather than "catch and release", so after successfully holding it in by clinching the cheeks very tightly, that gas then dispurses within the intestinal tract, at that point one can actually hear the toot from within, but you really have to be listening and at that point you have a successful "catch and hold" and the urge to toot has now passed (no pun intended). One cannot due this to many times in a row because something will have to give. This is not a good practice and I do not advise that this be done by anyone other than a professional.
Does that help Jimmer?
Pea, your cracking my ass up...
It does help it just seems like way too much work...
This was a really great blog. I'm doing the silent laugh at my desk. Good times.
Now to share--
One time at Kohl's (they were having a sale) I had really bad gas. It was so bad I would laugh in disbelief. Well, I went to the shoe department to release some pressure. I would release and walk around to the next aisle. It was working great until Chris came looking for me and charged up the aisle I just released in and turned the corner to me laughing hysterically (which I'm doing now as I write this). He gave me the, "what's so funny?" face just as a cloud of juliegas hit him in the head. He instantly acted like he got punched in the face with a loud gasp, "Ohh!" And he ran of saying (very loud) something like that's been you funking up this place? Oh my God!
Good times
ALL of you are killing me!!!!! I am so not one to discuss farts. Actually, if it wasn't a natural bodily function, I would deny whole-heartedly that I even do it! Having grown up w/ 3 brothers, the fact that a man farts in my presence means he's comfortable w/ me. I don't make a big deal about it unless, of course, its in bed and my head gets shoved under the covers. However, if you act like an 8 year-old and think its the most hilarious thing ever and try to "high-five" me, i'm dumping you if its only been a month. Jimmer, go with Kathy on this one. If you're questioning it, don't do it yet. You'll know when you know.
Pea....new job proposal.....writing pamplets on "Holding a Fart" written by a woman who knows......HEY, its better than dog grooming right?
I never high five for a good fart. I only clap...
By the way, thanks for the drunk phone call from you and Rebecca Friday night!
I'm gonna have to consult w/ Rap on this one....HE was the DRUNK one right? NEVER us.....right?
I'm gonna have to consult w/ Rap on this one....HE was the DRUNK one right? NEVER us.....right?
I am dying over here, heheheheh
Of course he was...ask Nicole, she'll confirm. We were golden.
Umm, I bet you all were drunk.
What? Us? You're nuts.
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