Oh who am I kidding - I don't wear a teeny weeny anything...never have...not with the sisters. But as I prepare for fabulous beach vacation, I must tell you about...well...my issue with razor burn. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassingly horrible. But I pretty much share everything here, so why not this. I don't use my pool. I only use my hot tub at night, I sucked it up when I went to Holiday World because among the hillbillies, I figured I was okay.
I've always struggled with this, my whole life. I've changed razors, I've used creams, lotions, pads, gels...I've soaked, shaved slow, shaved fast, used neosporin, there is not a trick you can name that I haven't tried. They're all bunk. Whoever develops them should come talk to me, I don't know who they think those products are helping, but for those of us who suffer, and by suffer, I mean really SUFFER in areas you don't talk about let alone itch in public...they don't fucking work. Ever. Period.
And now, now I'm going on fabulous beach vacation, the sequel, and I don't want to be a freak show. So I sucked it up and did what I did for my honeymoon. I went and got waxed. No, not a Brazilian you perverted freaks...just so I can wear a bathing suit without the fear of bikini spiders. This is the only experience that even comes close to rivaling the joy of the pap smear (scoot to the end of the table...scoot...scoooooooot). AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH. At least the lights are dimmer for a waxing and they have calming music. Paps are all bright lights and violation. It really sucks to be a woman, lemme tell ya.
Seen the 40-year-old virgin? An understatement. Because I have to believe the skin on your chest is not nearly as sensitive as your bikini line. I almost bit my tongue off. I used profanity. I think I cried. No, I didn't ... I'm just kidding about the crying part...but the other stuff is true.
So here I sit, wanting to soak in something, trying to finish my work day. But it will be worth it I tell ya - WORTH IT - when I don't have to worry about it for all 10 days of my vacation and then some. Hooray!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
OUCH
Double Ouch.
Big Blue gets a Triple Ouch.
Oh my...
and ouch is right.
If they can anesthetize you for a tooth, surely they can give you a little sumthin-sumthin for that. Sheesh! Makes me wince just thinking about it.
Don't even get me started on the rash under my arms...I can't wait for menopause when, according to a guest on Oprah, it just all stops growing and falling out. Hooray menopause! Boo Neat/Nair et al.
I saw Menopause: The Musical while I was on my mini-vacation in Vegas last weekend. I highly recommend it. It will give you an idea of what's ahead while you're laughing so hard you're crying. There were even a few brave male souls in the audience.
And, I haven't quite worked up the nerve for a waxing.
Post a Comment